vacation?

Owen & Oona throw rocks in the water and search for bodies.

Well I'm back in Pittsburgh after our short whirlwind trip to NJ & NY and I just want to hire someone to watch Oona while I sleep for a week. The trip wound up being super stressful and sucked any confidence I had as a Mom, or functional adult for that matter, right out of me. It didn't start off too bad we drove out and the weather was nice, thankfully since I don't like long drives on highways and inclement weather while being on a highway turns me into a basket case. Toby and I bickered around Harrisburg because he wasn't sure which was the right way to get onto 78 and I started to get shrill and snappish because that's an area of heavy truck traffic and I get nervous to begin with in those situations so don't start asking something of me when I'm just trying to survive getting through the next five miles. Don't you just want to sign up and give me a ride somewhere? It's pathetic. When I was 23 I drove across the country by myself in four days and now if a trip is longer than 3 hours I start getting twitchy. Well, we got to our first stop, Kristen & Royal's, without a problem and had a great time out there seeing their family and everyone else who came out on Sunday. But Sunday evening we went out to Staten Island to stay with my Mom and her boyfriend and that was the beginning of the end. First off, we got lost in Staten Island but after a few phone calls and help from a couple men hanging out in their front yard (classic guys, with thick accents and dressed like they're extras in The Sopranos but super nice and helpful) we got to their condo. I'm already stressed out from the ride to Staten Island and that Toby and I have been bickering yet again while driving (because getting lost makes me especially shrill) but when we take a tour of my Mom new home I'm ready to start bawling because the condo is basically a house of horrors for a one and a half year old. Three stories with stairs, Oona can't manage to get down stairs yet, and the floor plan is more open so the stairs are sort of in the center of everything. The kitchen and dining table are bevelled glass tops perched on top of statues of 3 dolphins (kitchen) and a greek insprired column (dining table). The coffee table is also glass and there's a telescope in the living room too. There are a bunch of photos on a credenza that's just at Oona's level for swiping and there are decorative seashells and other ocean inspired decorations that are very nice but definitely a 'no touch' situation for Oona. Within five minutes of being there Oona walked smack into the kitchen glass table top. I'm biting my mouth to keep my chin from wobbling because then the tears will start. I'm seething from arguing with Toby and I'm so tired because a vacation from our house means I've got to be doubly alert since the rest of the World isn't baby proofed. So I cancelled plans I had to meet people (so sorry) because I was too stressed out and knew I wouldn't be able to drive well. I basically spent Monday & Tuesday right behind Oona all day trying to divert her from trouble. And Monday she didn't nap so by Tuesday she had become a whining ball of terror and I felt like every pore in my body was aching from the effort of trying to pacify her. I think it was also difficult because my Mom moved in with her boyfriend last August and we hadn't been to their house to visit yet. It's different than the homes that were my Mom's, it lacked in a way the comfort of a home that I knew and which was familiar to me so that was a bit disconcerting too. Let's face it, it's tough even as I'm pushing forty to adjust to my Mom's life in Staten Island with her new boyfriend. I'm happy for her, I'm very happy that she's not alone and has someone to enjoy her retirement with, great things have happened to her in the past couple years, but it's an adjustment and when your stressed and tired and want some mothering yourself ... well, it makes me tearful. Anyhow, we left to go back home this morning. Toby and I had worked out our differences with respect to the bickering in the car and he was being wonderful about my nerves, driving in the slow lane when it was particulary congested or their was heavy truck traffic. As you can see I'm pretty high maintenance as far as passengers go. Once we passed Harrisburg we were coming to the easy part of the trip and I was ready to breathe a sigh of relief but then the dreaded rain drops started. Just a few at first then more and before we knew it we were driving in a steady, heavy drizzle. Any precipitation with driving sends me over the edge so I'm starting to hyperventilate, cry and alternately squeeze my hands or an empty water bottle. To Toby's wonderful credit he continued in the slow lane and drove slowly but the rain kept getting harder. Whenever a truck past us we couldn't see until it was fifty feet ahead it sprayed so much water. And then the absolute worst thing happened, it was a gulleywasher (that's what they used to call it in Texas), the heavens opened up, it was raining so hard the road was instantly a river of water and we could barely make out the river road through the rain. That took my anxiety to a new level of panic and I was begging Toby to drive slow, which he was but I felt like I had to chant that mantra in order to survive, and find an exit to get off at, which we found three miles up the road. The longest f*cking three miles of my life. When we reached the parking lot I just lost it. My whole body was shaking and I started screaming "I can't go back on that road". Toby gave me an ativan that he had stashed in his wallet and it did nothing to mute my panic. When we got back on the road (yes, I went back!) it was still raining pretty hard but thank God! it eased up after about a half hour and the rest of the ride was smooth sailing. Toby asked if the ativan helped but when he saw me crying at one point I think he realized it wasn't helping. He attributes it to me having a high drug tolerance but I don't take anything aside from the occasional vitamin and fish oil capsule. I think I get so nervous my body metabolizes any 'calming' medicine in record time. When we were on drier roads Toby said that type of downpour scared him as well, that I had a right to be scared, but for me it's like that fear was magnified to an unbearable level, I feel like I took years off my life with the three hours of rain we endured, particularly the interminable, three minute downpour. I felt my heart trying to jump out of my chest the whole time. I know I have to work on this car panic thing but God knows how. My way of working on it is to move to Europe where I can rely on trains to get to where I need to go and avoid the autobahn at all costs. I know I have to work on this though. it's not fair to the children to become such a mess in the car, it will affect them adversely, which I sometimes feel is the only way I affect them on these low, sniffle-filled days.