on beauty

I liked this book a great deal. It was a highly engrossing read with wonderful characters that leap right off the pages, they're so refreshing and lively. In some ways this book reminds me of 'Tar Baby' which I read back in college (close to twenty years ago - gulp!), which also examined race/class issues, not only between blacks and whites, but racial issues within the black community. This book also deals with the minefield of intellectual elitism and all the tawdry crap that transpires at esteemed institutions of higher learning. Yes, that will have you turning the pages at a brisk pace, believe me! The only reason I gave the book four plums instead of five is that the end wasn't entirely satisfying to me and the book didn't resonate for me the way Atonement did, I still have a soft spot for that book! But I would recommend this book, it's enjoyable and thought provoking.

the vampiric bibliophile

We still haven't received our new chair yet, as you can see. Floral with wood accents - yum! Our living room is so close to being 'finished' but not quite. The other day Oona took every available book on her shelf (we've cleared the built in bookshelves of our books except where she can't reach them) threw them on the chair and hopped up to ready. This was a rare, unpredictable moment of calm. She is such the personality opposite of Owen it's amazing. She's a dear little girl but quite a handful and prone to tantrums if she doesn't get here way. For all her wants she screams, 'Mommy' louder and lourder until she gets what she wants or she devolves into tears and flailing. And I'm with her all day every day and she's sucking the life right out of me at this point in her development. I went to bed at 9:30 last night, woke up at 7:30 and was still tired. My body has reached some critical point because I ache in various places all the time and last week I tore my rotator cuff trying to push Oona's damn stroller with the bald tires and locked right front wheel. It's time for a new stroller but I push on with this four year old contraption, stooping over to position the wheel with my hands, it's akin to pushing Oona in a shopping cart with a bad wheel - fun right?! Elise's recommendation of Dr. Sarno's book is next on my list but I'm already worried about what I do if I read it and I'm still in pain? I feel like I tend to fail at epiphanies - therapy, medication, life altering forums or life changing books. This morning I schlepped two huge laundry baskets full of old baby clothes to a consignment store in Squirrel Hill. I had taken them weeks before but they had a sign saying they wouldn't be taking anything until after May 16th. So this was my first chance to get there. I park right near the store, put money in the toll, drag out the baskets and put them near the door, run back to get Oona out of the car and go in to ask the sales lady for help bringing them in. The saleslady is talking on the phone while walking around the store. She's eastern european, at least I'm pretty sure of that. She's must speak some slavic language because she has an accent that I notice alot among slavs, flat and somewhat sexy sounding, at least compared to my accent. She wears short shorts that show off amazing legs that you can just tell do not require any trips to the gym, it's the dumb luck of genetics, and she has a headful of blonde pre-raphelite curls. I ask for help when she looks at me, covering the mouthpiece of the phone. She walks out with Oona and I to the door where the baskets are and looks in one briefly before saying 'You been to another store with these? There's stickers on them.' I see no stickers but say that I was at a store with some of the clothes well over a month ago. She then refuses to see my stuff telling me 'It's not fair, they already picked out the best stuff.' I'm getting angrier and more frustrated over being told I'm unfair with a consignment store. 'There's stuff that's never even been worn' I tell her. 'Half of one basket is stuff that's already been seen, I've put in a bunch of new stuff that's never been looked at.' She just shakes her head at me, and starts redialing her friend on the phone while turning back into the store. This is one of those critical, insignificant moments where I just start crying because I'm so frustrated by this lady telling me I'm not being fair, and it takes so much effort to schlep these baskets with a kid and it's all so pointless since I'd be lucky to get $20 for the stuff. Life's too short to feel bad and I feel worse and worse lately.

new living room

After a long winter spent doing a ton of photo retouching work we finally got our new living room furniture, except for the armchair which has yet to even ship! I would have liked to ceremoniously set fire to the old sofa and chair but Toby has a friend moving into a new home who actually might take the pieces, which seems much more environmentally friendly. Unfortunately the binding on our rug is already coming apart (Pottery Barn says it must be defective and has already sent us a replacement) and there's a stitching problem with the slipcover so we're supposed to receive a new slipcover within a month. In the meantime I have to make sure the kids and cats don't have any accidents on the slipcover that would affect our returning it a month from now. I think the colors of the sofa and rug look nice together that they both go with the wall color, wasn't quite sure if everything would gel together properly. Overall, I'm happy with our purchases, I'd just liek the stuff we'll be keeping. And the one thing I'm bummed about is having to endure the nauseating bouquet of VOCs coming off of the new slipcover. Within an hour my excitement of having a new couch turned to extreme nausea over the fumes that sage velvet slipcover was emitting. I think my two pregnancies have given me a bloodhound's nose because I'm extremely smell sensitive. I can't handle the odors of mainstream cleaners anymore, not even Ivory dish soap. The Ecover marigold and chamomile dish soap is so yummy smelling! It doesn't cut grease quite as efficiently as petroleum based dish soaps but the smell and benefit to the planet make up for it. Happy Memorial Day everybody!

atonement

I finished Atonement over the weekend and was blown away by it. It's been some time since I've had a chance to read much of anything, aside from magazines, but I still can't get over how good a novel it was. I was so sad to finish this book it was that impressive. They've made a movie of it which should be out some time soon. Please, I'm begging you, read the book before seeing the movie. You'll be so glad you did. I had to take a breather before starting another book because Atonement just walloped me but now I'm deeply engulfed in Zadie Smith's latest which is incredibly good and I'm just gobsmacked (I'm on an English writer kick so the word seems appropriate) by the fact that she's written three incredibly well received novels and she's all of 32. But back to Atonement, I'm going to have to read all of Ian McEwan's work now, his early works which I read years ago (my God well over ten years ago - I feel so old!) pale next to this novel. Go buy the book now or run to your nearest library! It receives my highest rating - five out of five plums.

a new low for humanity

Going in to check my email I saw this headline 'Climber makes first phone call from Everest summit'. Now I know this is a huge help for the safety of climbers in crisis but let's be honest, how many calls will be made due to trouble on the mountain? The ubiquity of cell phones and people talking on them everywhere is so depressing to me. Technological advances are wonderful but when they're abused - people texting while driving on the highway?! it's shameful.

uh oh

I tried to buzz Owen's hair last night with absolutely disastrous results. He threw a fit the whole time, guess he picked up something from my prolonged panic attack in the car, and I was trying to make it easier by cutting the remaining hair with scissors instead of the buzzer because I think the noise was freaking him out. But I wound up butchering his hair. It looks like I was trying to put a design in his buzz cut and failed miserably. Hopefully it will fill in within a couple weeks but in the meantime I'm praying none of the kids in his class tease him. I told him if anyone does to tell them to stop it and say it's not his fault his Mom messed up his hair. I was in tears when Toby came down shaking his head after seeing my 'work' this morning. These past few days have really taken a toll on any remote shred of confidence I had in being a good Mom.

kodiak boy

When visiting my Mom all the toys she had for the kids were in boxes up in the attic, she still hasn't had a chance to sort through her stuff and integrate it all into her boyfriend's home. Initially the kids were playing with the abundance of cat toys that my Mom has for Daisy, but she eventually came across a large bag of costume jewelry that Owen delighted in. He made up this whole mythology about being a kodiak boy and that kodiak boys steal this jewelery and then wear it and dance in it and basically pose and look tough. Does Owen automatically believe that a man wearing bling is untrustworthy? Hmmm

vacation?

Owen & Oona throw rocks in the water and search for bodies.

Well I'm back in Pittsburgh after our short whirlwind trip to NJ & NY and I just want to hire someone to watch Oona while I sleep for a week. The trip wound up being super stressful and sucked any confidence I had as a Mom, or functional adult for that matter, right out of me. It didn't start off too bad we drove out and the weather was nice, thankfully since I don't like long drives on highways and inclement weather while being on a highway turns me into a basket case. Toby and I bickered around Harrisburg because he wasn't sure which was the right way to get onto 78 and I started to get shrill and snappish because that's an area of heavy truck traffic and I get nervous to begin with in those situations so don't start asking something of me when I'm just trying to survive getting through the next five miles. Don't you just want to sign up and give me a ride somewhere? It's pathetic. When I was 23 I drove across the country by myself in four days and now if a trip is longer than 3 hours I start getting twitchy. Well, we got to our first stop, Kristen & Royal's, without a problem and had a great time out there seeing their family and everyone else who came out on Sunday. But Sunday evening we went out to Staten Island to stay with my Mom and her boyfriend and that was the beginning of the end. First off, we got lost in Staten Island but after a few phone calls and help from a couple men hanging out in their front yard (classic guys, with thick accents and dressed like they're extras in The Sopranos but super nice and helpful) we got to their condo. I'm already stressed out from the ride to Staten Island and that Toby and I have been bickering yet again while driving (because getting lost makes me especially shrill) but when we take a tour of my Mom new home I'm ready to start bawling because the condo is basically a house of horrors for a one and a half year old. Three stories with stairs, Oona can't manage to get down stairs yet, and the floor plan is more open so the stairs are sort of in the center of everything. The kitchen and dining table are bevelled glass tops perched on top of statues of 3 dolphins (kitchen) and a greek insprired column (dining table). The coffee table is also glass and there's a telescope in the living room too. There are a bunch of photos on a credenza that's just at Oona's level for swiping and there are decorative seashells and other ocean inspired decorations that are very nice but definitely a 'no touch' situation for Oona. Within five minutes of being there Oona walked smack into the kitchen glass table top. I'm biting my mouth to keep my chin from wobbling because then the tears will start. I'm seething from arguing with Toby and I'm so tired because a vacation from our house means I've got to be doubly alert since the rest of the World isn't baby proofed. So I cancelled plans I had to meet people (so sorry) because I was too stressed out and knew I wouldn't be able to drive well. I basically spent Monday & Tuesday right behind Oona all day trying to divert her from trouble. And Monday she didn't nap so by Tuesday she had become a whining ball of terror and I felt like every pore in my body was aching from the effort of trying to pacify her. I think it was also difficult because my Mom moved in with her boyfriend last August and we hadn't been to their house to visit yet. It's different than the homes that were my Mom's, it lacked in a way the comfort of a home that I knew and which was familiar to me so that was a bit disconcerting too. Let's face it, it's tough even as I'm pushing forty to adjust to my Mom's life in Staten Island with her new boyfriend. I'm happy for her, I'm very happy that she's not alone and has someone to enjoy her retirement with, great things have happened to her in the past couple years, but it's an adjustment and when your stressed and tired and want some mothering yourself ... well, it makes me tearful. Anyhow, we left to go back home this morning. Toby and I had worked out our differences with respect to the bickering in the car and he was being wonderful about my nerves, driving in the slow lane when it was particulary congested or their was heavy truck traffic. As you can see I'm pretty high maintenance as far as passengers go. Once we passed Harrisburg we were coming to the easy part of the trip and I was ready to breathe a sigh of relief but then the dreaded rain drops started. Just a few at first then more and before we knew it we were driving in a steady, heavy drizzle. Any precipitation with driving sends me over the edge so I'm starting to hyperventilate, cry and alternately squeeze my hands or an empty water bottle. To Toby's wonderful credit he continued in the slow lane and drove slowly but the rain kept getting harder. Whenever a truck past us we couldn't see until it was fifty feet ahead it sprayed so much water. And then the absolute worst thing happened, it was a gulleywasher (that's what they used to call it in Texas), the heavens opened up, it was raining so hard the road was instantly a river of water and we could barely make out the river road through the rain. That took my anxiety to a new level of panic and I was begging Toby to drive slow, which he was but I felt like I had to chant that mantra in order to survive, and find an exit to get off at, which we found three miles up the road. The longest f*cking three miles of my life. When we reached the parking lot I just lost it. My whole body was shaking and I started screaming "I can't go back on that road". Toby gave me an ativan that he had stashed in his wallet and it did nothing to mute my panic. When we got back on the road (yes, I went back!) it was still raining pretty hard but thank God! it eased up after about a half hour and the rest of the ride was smooth sailing. Toby asked if the ativan helped but when he saw me crying at one point I think he realized it wasn't helping. He attributes it to me having a high drug tolerance but I don't take anything aside from the occasional vitamin and fish oil capsule. I think I get so nervous my body metabolizes any 'calming' medicine in record time. When we were on drier roads Toby said that type of downpour scared him as well, that I had a right to be scared, but for me it's like that fear was magnified to an unbearable level, I feel like I took years off my life with the three hours of rain we endured, particularly the interminable, three minute downpour. I felt my heart trying to jump out of my chest the whole time. I know I have to work on this car panic thing but God knows how. My way of working on it is to move to Europe where I can rely on trains to get to where I need to go and avoid the autobahn at all costs. I know I have to work on this though. it's not fair to the children to become such a mess in the car, it will affect them adversely, which I sometimes feel is the only way I affect them on these low, sniffle-filled days.

tea party

Yesterday Owen's class threw a tea party for all the parents. Toby left work early in order to come. It was very sweet. They sang a bunch of songs and then invited us to the cafeteria for cookies and drinks. There we received gifts the children had made us - potted geraniums, a magnet with their picture in a popsicle stick frame, a washcloth with their handprints and, my favorite,this self portrait.

Owen's drawings of people are insane, I mean that in a good way. They're so primitive looking and I'm sure some art therapist could read a lot of bad stuff into them but I just love how simple they are. We have a lot of drawings of Owen and Darth Vader fighting each other with light sabers - it's very hard to tell just who's who. In the cafeteria they showed us a powerpoint presentation capturing the class throughout the year, someone had a fun time having the type come in and out in every conceivable manner possible. My guess is the teacher's assistant Mr. G. a goofy (not goofy looking, he can just act funny at times) young man who the kids all adore. During rest time, where Owen hardly ever rests, his mat is next to Mr. G's and he watches him on the computer where he downloads music (a parent I'm friendly with was like 'thank God he isn't downloading porn!') and he sings along at times, which makes all the kids that are awake laugh, so I guess that is a good example of the adorable goofiness. We had a great time and then went to the park afterward, where we fried like eggs under the sun. I hate to complain about warm weather but it's like spring and summer no longer exist, at least they don't seem to exist in Pittsburgh.

And speaking of Pittsburgh... did you know it has been rated as the most livable city in America?! Yes, it's true. The much maligned Steel City is actually a wonderful place to live with children. It's small enough to make getting around and doing cultural activities with your kids fun (rarely a problem with parking) but it's large enough that it has top notch hospitals (a sigh of relief from the eternal worrier) great museums and a science center that's amazing. They profiled Pittsburgh on an episode of Dragonfly TV, which I watch with Owen, it's a great science show for kids. They showed the inside of the sportsworks part of Carnegie Science center, you can design your own roller coaster and actually test it out and they have a rock climbing wall and tons of other fun stuff. We'll just have to wait til the kids are older because sportsworks seems more oriented toward tweeners.

Well, I hope everyone enjoys their weekend. We're heading to New York City so I won't be posting until we get back on Wednesday. Toby has a conference to attend where his boss is giving a presentation, by the way his boss was profiled in yesterday's Wall Street Journal, complete with stippled portrait on the front page. I'll end with a picture of Oona, who was very good at the tea party, she clapped and tried to sing along to the class.

non sequiturs

You've been warned. The past week has been one of those stretches of time where I've felt incredibly busy although I really don't have much to show for it. My in-laws came to visit over the weekend so I spent a good portion of Saturday morning cleaning in order to have the place look decent for their arrival but today I find a colony of ants on our kitchen floor picking up every stray crumb, if I could train them to march it over to the garbage and then march right out of our house through the crack at the bottom of the door they could stay. But I don't think that's going to happen. So now I'm going to have to look up humane ways of getting rid of them which seems like an oxymoron and always makes me think of Temple Grandin and her work on designing humane slaughterhouses for cows, she's been on NPR and Oliver Saks wrote about her, very interesting lady. So yeah, I've been a bit of a whirling dervish lately and I think this post is going to come out sounding the same. When my father-in-law was packing up their bags to drive back to Huntingdon he wound up inadvertantly packing up my diaper bag, with my wallet in it, so while I wait for it to get back to me via priority mail I'm driving without a license and using Toby's Discover card and am always on guard that I'll suddenly be arrested for driving without a license or using my husband's credit card. Being a rules based person this is risky living for me, before you know it I'll be wearing a thong and stilettos. No, like the ants that won't happen either, my butt and flat feet would never let me get away with that. And speaking of my butt I've been reading about smart lipo, where you get shots and your fat melts away, sounds sort of suspect to me yet vaguely appealing too because the backs of my thighs aren't what they used to be. I wish I could have appreciated being skinny when I was because now I'm not and I can see that I was clearly insane to think I had big thighs when I was wearing a size 4. I frequently feel like I've got maternal ADD. I never used to feel so scattered until I had children. I am not one of those parents who can carry on a conversation blithely while their children are off playing. I'm constantly on guard for the next catastrophe that might befall my clumsy progeny so I tend to not hear what someone has said or will cut myself off midthought in order to rescue Oona from falling off one thing or another at the playground. I love my children to pieces and I love being a Mom, even though it has increased my anxiety considerably, but there are times when I wish I could carve out more of an identity for myself aside from being a Mom who worries constantly and curses a blue streak while driving. I feel like I've changed so much since becoming a Mom. There's the superficial, physical changes - people talk about smoking and skipping sunscreen having a detrimental effect on your skin, having two kids to fret about and getting melasma during both my pregnancies has ravaged my face. Um and there's no way without surgical intervention that a Mom who has breastfed will have perky boobs afterwards, at least that's my excuse. So my outward appearance is a bit bigger and crumpled with a frumpy wardrobe and personality wise I'm not nearly as much fun. I'm quieter than I used to be. I think I'm kinder and more thoughtful and a better listener but at the same time I'm also much more judgmental, which is horrendous because that judging doesn't get me anywhere and more often than not just makes me feel worse about myself. I'm trying to get back into reading which I truly love and is something I miss a lot since becoming a Mom so you'll see my book link, I figure if I put up what I'm reading I'll feel compelled to finish it.

So back to the beginning (of this post) when the in-laws visited Toby's brother and our neice came over to visit (her Mom was busy with schoolwork) and we gave the two girls a bath together which started out good but quickly devolved into crocodile tears. Poor girls, they're 4 weeks apart in age and I feel this has set them up for a lifetime of comparisons, at least that seems to be the way things are going so far. Ugh. Toby and I are looking to put our house on the market next summer and to move out to the suburbs because the public schools in the city are less than stellar and I can't deal with cars driving by once it get warm and blasting music at a decibel that makes our windows shake. Plus our neighbors across the street (two young guys, I'm guessing early twenties? and an older man in his forties maybe?) just put a confederate flag sticker and Germany sticker on their monster truck. Nothing says class like advertising that you're a white supremist! I never recall seeing confederate flag stickers in the NJ/NYC area (Toby thinks I'm crazy on this point) but here I see quite a few, usually on American made trucks and frequently driving around in my neighborhood. GRRR!!! I just want to beat people that put that shit on their cars, it's so offensive. I told Toby I had an idea about making ribbon magnets for cars that said Ugly American and giving them out for free so people could randomly place them on Hummers and racists driving monster trucks. It really should be an actual bumper sticker but I can't commit to something which could damage a car even if the person driving the car is an ass! As I said earlier... busy week, not much to show for it.

ta da

Elise's vote wins for spring banner. Now I know it seems like I overlooked the majority but honestly I didn't. I was torn between 1 & 3 but when I put #3 up it didn't look right at the banner size - I had to lighten up that image considerably and at the large size it looked like it had had work done (I'm sure we've come across plenty of people who could say the same) and was overly sharp in some areas. So #1 wins and I do think the white and green is a nice way to welcome spring, it's like peering inside a flower forest. Now I'm already on to thoughts for the summer banner, which probably won't get up until August. I still think it would be nice to do a new banner each month, if only my children would comply with that thought.