Saturday, April 30, 2011
hello, my name is
Loser? Actually it's Kim, not Amelia, and I get that that might be a bit confusing with the blog name but that isn't really the issue. The issue is that I've had this lovely two and a half week break and just the word break, it usually implies all the fun things you'll try to fit into that precious amount of time, activities, seeing people, you know, something to make the transience of it jam packed with fun. And my break has just sort of stung for the most part. I had a couple days that I got to spend with two friends and they were really lovely days. But one friend I had to import from Philly and I wind up sucking the marrow out of my time with them like a starving person because I have so few friends and therein lies the problem. Now I'm not a person that needs to have five hundred close friends, or even fifty, I'd be elated with five people that I could consider true friends, but I'd be lucky if I had half that. My phone hardly ever rings and when it does it's either my Mom or my ex, who's usually calling to speak to the kids. So there's truly only one person who calls me on a regular basis and I love my Mom but I'd sort of like to have someone else calling to see how I'm doing, or want to do something with me. And even my Mom is counting down the days until I graduate so she can leave Pittsburgh because she doesn't like it here and then I won't even have her to go to the diner with on Sundays, which is the extent of my social life. And yes, I'm well aware of how cringe worthy that is. I know that I can be quiet and shy so I'm not one that people naturally gravitate to. In fact I seem to be the type of person that gets reintroduced to people because they just can't remember meeting me. But I have actively tried with some people, to get together for coffee, or a drink (I've extended invitations to my house since I'm a bit of a lightweight with alcohol) or dinner. And 99% of time I get blown off. Which really makes me feel crappy, like I must be incredibly boring or just not worth the time. At the start of this break I asked one Mom for her phone number because Oona loves playing with her daughter, she'll scream her name the way Marlon Brando screamed 'Stella' in Streetcar Named Desire when this girl isn't at the farmhouse to play. The mother wouldn't give me her number, which struck me as odd, but she put my name and number in her cell phone and said she'd get in touch over break. And I never heard from her. I just don't get it. Not only am I not friend-worthy but I'm not even playdate worthy for your child who, ostensibly, could have just been dropped off and it would have given the mom a free afternoon? I mean I don't think I look like a pedophile or otherwise sketchy and I just thought it would be fun for Oona. So I spent my break going to the gym a lot, which isn't out of the ordinary, since that's one way to pass the time. I watched season five of Lost and am almost done with my book, which is sort of petering out of its initial promise but I can't not finish a book. I start school again on Monday and my high from having done well the previous term is long gone, having a break without anyone to really talk to I quickly start feeling that I'm not really nurse material but just what material I am I don't know.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
6 comments:
I find it hard to make real friends too and have lost a few over the years. I seem to make friends but not real friendships like the ones you speak of. The ones who call you on the phone or who you can casually call up and go over and chat. My phone never rings either except for my Mom or my Aunt. My Mom being the only one who can handle the kids talking, screeching or whatever while I'm on the phone.
And my social life is pretty boring as well. Though I do have book club once a month and sometimes get to garden club with the proper ladies-hehe. The best is when i can escape to meet my friend Carolyn in the city.
Socializing with my boy is so impossible. He seems to need all the attention. I think next year it will be easier when he is in kindergarden.
Anyway, sorry that this has been hard for you. Hopefully you will make some friends through work. Too bad you are so far away from me...boo.
thanks nancy. i'm sorry you feel my pain with making real connections. be glad you have mick. i'm telling you a loving relationship with a significant other is a built-in true friend, reality check and person to talk you off the ledge when need be. plus you have a partner in the joys and difficulties of parenting.
Yes, thank goodness for that and the Internet though maybe the Internet is partly to blame. I make acquaintences easily enough but where to move on from there
I've many lonely weekends when bryan leaves with the kids for brooklyn or the pocs, so you are not alone. i think the overarching theme of mothering school-aged kids is loneliness. isolation. go-crazy-ness. scant time to do anything, but too much time to think. do you think the internet exacerbates it or helps? sometimes I don't know. peace out. xo
i think it can just be hard to connect with people if the only common theme is having children attending the same school. in college you might hang out with people based on common interests, or sharing the same major and back then you're probably a lot less discriminating too boot, and frequently drunk. i don't know what it is, i try i just feel like i don't register with people which is a wee bit demoralizing. yeah and the internet probably doesn't help matters, like it just shows me how fucking unpopular i am.
i'm with elise. i definitely think it's being a mother, being stuck in routines in which we are driving back & forth to school, or stuck in front of a computer all day working on books to make a buck or three, or getting so buried in our own muck that it makes it difficult to stick our heads out and say "hey, how's it going over there?"
i really struggle with this. i go in cycles. the thing that always helps me is to get outside myself, to reach out to someone else. i easily go into a tailspin sometimes, feeling sorry for myself and thinking "i just wish someone would email or call or love on me." and it's true--sometimes people don't think about what we are going through enough to do anything about it.
but oftentimes if i reach out just once to someone and ask how they are doing, they will reciprocate and then i have a chance to share more.
or maybe at that point sometimes i don't even need to share, because it's the connecting that helps me feel more alive, feel more loved. i don't necessarily have to share all my junk with someone else. they have their own junk. and trust me, even if people don't act like they have junk, they totally do. (incidentally, i try very hard to stay away from people who act like they don't have junk, because they are inauthentic and right now i need people in my life who are REAL.)
i read the most recent post, and i'm glad you are trying to see the good in the midst of the bad. this is SO hard to do--speaking totally from experience, as you know. but when i do it, i feel better.
hugs.
Post a Comment