They say you can never be too rich or too thin. But I'm becoming the latter, at least in my face, and this is where my problem arises. I've got a twenty pound continuum. When I'm at my thinnest I look horrible pretty much everywhere, except my legs. At my heaviest my legs look horrible but I have a pretty good set of tits then. When I'm in the lower quartile of my weight, any semblance of breasts is all smoke and mirrors, thanks to american eagle and their paige bras, which can put my 34 A minus amply into B territory. When I'm ten pounds heavier than I am now my face usually looks best. Unfortunately I'm not able to cut, parcel out and repackage a me with my lowest weight legs, heaviest weight tits and 3rd quartile face. So what's a girl to do? I'm currently five pounds away from my lowest weight (I don't want to put numbers or sizes in because that just seems too horribly fucked up and, really, I'm just aiming for minimally fucked up with this post) and my face looks horrible. My chest is also rather ghastly. My intercostal spaces are clearly visible, and at times it looks my sternum is about to break through my skin, from the nipple line up I look a wee bit like I'm starving? I'm on Survivor? I don't know I never watched that show but I'm assuming they get rather gaunt. In other words I can sort of understand why that doctor thought me wan. But I'm actually not underweight, my BMI is on the low end of normal but it falls firmly within normal territory. And the way I carry weight, I'm more pear shaped than apple, so it's no suprise that I'm very thin in the chest and thicker in the hips and thighs. The first picture is of me four and a half years ago when I was, obviously, younger but also a bit heavier. I miss how much softer my face looks in the earlier photo but I don't think it's just the extra weight. Age plays a big, I don't want to think how big, part in it. I never thought I'd say it, because God knows I found plenty to pick apart about my face back then, but I miss my younger face. I'm sure stress plays a part on ravaging my face too and nursing school has sucked any remnant of happy, healthy plumpness right out of my face. So I currently avoid mirrors and other reflective surfaces in public to come home and furiously scrutinize my shortcomings in the privacy of my own bathroom. I sound like Greta Garbo without the fame. I know how vain this all sounds, but I don't want to look sick and I think that my face sort of makes me look like I'm terminally ill with something. Fatal fortysomething dysmorphia.
Okay, now this might sound like I stretch but I'm also wondering if any of my facial gauntness could be due to my ongoing headache issues. I've had a headache more often than not since October. I finally kicked that 3 month sinus infection in January but my headache hasn't really gone away and I think I'm suffering from pretty much daily tension headaches, which pain relievers don't do anything to alleviate the pain of. I wake up every morning to the top of my head hurting. By midmorning my cheekbones and everything north of them kick in with the pain. By dinner I have a helmet of pain, my head hurts everywhere except for my mouth, nose and ears. Don't even get me started on my forehead and how it feels like I'm frowning all the time, even when I'm not. That might not sound painful but when those muscles feel pulled in that position all day, it hurts a lot and creates this heaviness, it makes my eyes ache. So couldn't all this pain possibly result in a deleterious effect on my face? I know it probably makes me look even more stressed and tired. And it's sort of exhausting to have facial pain almost constantly. The only good thing I can think of is that at least I'm not suffering from trigeminal neuralgia which is a type of facial pain that is so bad it's nicknamed the suicide disease. There you go, I found the silver lining in my face hurting and becoming more gaunt by the day, at least I don't have trigeminal neuralgia. I'm off to pop some ineffectual NSAIDs.
3 comments:
1. I applaud your honesty. It's scary as fuck getting old.
2. you are so supremely good at ripping yourself apart. The attention to detail is stunning. I am with you on the body shape one—when one area is looking good the other suffers, etc. there has to be a silver lining in that too. (I know, I am good at it too.) Ann Lamott talks about her saddlebags as "the sisters" I believe in every one of her books, working furiously to love them like unwanted foster children.
2A. You're still very lovely, even gaunt, unhappy and in pain, hoorah! Look at those lips! Those eyes! Your intellectual sexiness! It's rather poetic.
In summation, I think it is just as easy to talk oneself up as it is to talk oneself down. That would be an interesting exercise when we've somehow learned all too well how to mind-fuck ourselves.
also! the bra is lovely and now I think I must have one. they all seem to be underwire which I cannot stand, is this true? still looking for the perfect bra myself...
muchas love
you know me, i will not suffer for my clothes and that includes bras. i think it is an underwire but it's not uncomfortable, maybe all the padding helps? i love that a lot of their bras are cotton and they come in cute colors, prints. and if you seem in a shirt braless vs with the paige bra, it is pretty miraculous what that cotton, wire and padding can do.
well. let me add my two cents. first, i'll just pile onto what elise said. there is so much that is beautiful about the 2nd photo. and about you.
do you think part of it is just feeling so overwhelmed that you can't see yourself for the truth? i look in the mirror and i swear, i could blink a thousand times and try to clear my eyes but i just can't see myself the way others do.
also, the lighting and your hair color are different between the pics. both make a huge difference. maybe you could give yourself a hair rinse to lighten things up? it really sometimes is the smallest things that make us feel more light-hearted.
it is amazing, what you are doing--putting yourself through school, raising children, managing a household. the scary things and times give us tunnel vision--believe me, i'm in it and constantly have to fight those feelings off.
you are beautiful!
oh, and i am definitely trying one of those bras. for reals.
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