Tuesday, February 19, 2008
monday monday
When it comes to posting photos I'm going to need to take a three day weekend because Mondays are a living hell for me. Toby's at work then goes to school until 9:00 and I go to pick him up with the kids in their pj's. Monday evening Owen also has karate. Fortunately I carpool with someone so I don't have to take him there with Oona, I would lose my mind, believe me, I've had to do it a few times and it's positively harrowing. But, suffice it to say, by 9:15 my mind feels like a hairball the cats would cough up and all I want to do is drown my stress and sorrows in chocolate and then call it an early night and collapse in bed by 10. Tomorrow my Dad is coming to visit for a few days, that's if he has enough gas in his friend's car to make the 2 hour trek from Cleveland to Pittsburgh. Of course he let me know that he'd need help paying for gas for his return visit. Oh, I love my parents and I know it's not terribly evolved and mature to be mortified by them but at times I am. My Dad is most likely a bipolar who has self medicated for, oh about 45 years, with alcohol and pot. This is my armchair shrink diagnosis but believe me, based on his pathological lying, the many times he's been fired from excellent jobs, his ginormous amount of debt, and deluded ego I'm pretty sure it fits. When I was about ten I found my Dad's stash of pot, in a baking tin under the couch, and scolded my Dad for smoking. I was naive enough not realize it was pot or what pot was for that matter. I always have been a bit clueless about certain things. My Dad has been taking me to bars since I was little, The Lion's Head in Greenwich Village as a child and the local bar in the suburbs where the bartender would make me a real drink as a preteen. When I was young I thought my Dad was the most handsome man, so smart and charming and infinitely cool. But really how cool is it to bring you child to a bar? The Days of Wine and Roses lifestyle is never a good one for child rearing. When I grew up (meaning my late twenties) I realized that he's incredibly intelligent and very charming, when he's not drunk, but he's a sick sick man who is never going to change no matter what I say or do. It's a shame because in many ways he's wasted a mind that was full of such potential, although, to be fair, he does complete every day of The New York Times crossword puzzles, no easy task I'll tell you. Agh... so I'll let you know if he shows up and how the visit goes in a few days. Thank God Toby helps me out when my parents drive me a bit mental. He can always make me laugh about the relative absurdity of my family, not in a mean-spirited way, he's wonderful with my Dad and loves him in spite of his faults. He's more like my cathartic jester, who keeps me on an emotional equilibrium during a perfect storm of stress.
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2 comments:
You're not alone in the messed-up family thing; my mom is sort of the polar opposite of what you describe your dad to be: she's GREAT with money (i.e., she and my dad teach a class at church called "Crown," a fundamentalist way of interpreting what the Bible says about how to spend your money); she constantly judges my husband for not having a "real" job (i.e., he's starting a nonprofit, and before that we led house churches); she thinks one day we will grow up and own a house but until then we don't have a "real house" (i.e., we rent a beautiful 1920s bungalow in a very trendy neighborhood in tampa but it's way cheaper to rent, so we think we are being fiscally responsible in making this decision)...and i could go on and on. she once told me she wished i had never been born, that i was a slut, that i was the devil--and all the while she and my dad would fight and cuss and throw things at each other and then consume large amounts of liquor (their favorites: jack daniels for him, amaretto for her), all the while keeping it on the DL from everyone at church.
whichever side of the coin we are on, it's no fun either way is it? i struggle every day thinking i am totally screwing up my kids, just in different ways than my parents screwed me up. the hope i cling to is that i try to always be willing and open to apologizing to them when i go on a screaming fit or am impatient or the thousand other things i do wrong as a mother.
like you, though, my saving grace in terms of my family is my husband. he's always there to remind me that i turned out okay, that they are stupid and i really shouldn't listen to their criticisms, that i really AM a good mom, and on and on. glad we both found someone who can help us weather those storms.
thanks for sharing this, amelia. i'll be thinking of you during your dad's visit.
wow kristi, thank you so much for your comment and I'm so sorry for how toxic your mom is. I've always shied away from organized religion, I think in part because I thought there was a lot of hypocrisy with people that attended church but fell far short when it came to being a good and caring person. the things your mom said to you are awful and I hope you have worked through that all that venomous talk aimed at you really isn't about you when it comes down to it. I'm very glad your husband helps boost you up emotionally and I so so understand beating yourself when you feel like you're not being a good enough mother but I'm sure you're a wonderful mom. I don't think bad mom's spend a whole bunch of time being introspective and wondering if they're doing a good job.
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