amelia's plum

Soo i have had these bags under my eyes since i was riddled with a sinus infection that lasted two months back in the fall. It took 3 rounds of antibiotics plus a steroid to finally kick. And yes I did wind up getting a cold two weeks after kicking that lingering infection. Go immune system! It's down the tubes thanks to stress, school, going to the hospital and caring for sick people... Anyhoo, these darn bags will not go away. It could be age, it could be stress or it could be allergies, which might have precipitated the sinus infection. And since you can treat allergies I met with an allergist today to see if that might be the reason behind my bags and annoying annual sinus infections. I wound up being there close to two hours because they put serum on my back, then pricked it and I waited around reading an old copy of Time which has me really wanting to run out and rent The Social Network until it was time for them to come back to see if I reacted to anything (one type of mold and one type of dust mite). I can go back in a month and get shots, which are stronger dosages, and I might come up positive on more. But... I saw my chart and what the doctor wrote under general appearance. Wan. My heart sank so low when I saw that. And to drive the nail a little deeper into the coffin of any remnant of self esteem I had left I looked it up on merriam webster so I could get the exact definition and commit it to memory. wan - a : suggestive of poor health : sickly, pallid b : lacking vitality : feeble. Okay, now it's not ugly, but that wouldn't be a medically appropriate adjective. Having any confidence about my appearance. Poof, and it's gone. With that one wee word. I won't even fill you in on the mortifying clinical week I had aside from telling you that I bawled on leaving the hospital Tuesday and wound up crying twice while at the hospital yesterday. And wound up crying again this morning when I ran into one of the instructors that I saw at the hospital yesterday. She's very kind to me and sometimes seeing that little door of kindness open when it feels like everything around me is going to hell, it's all I need to start the tears. Because this program is so fucking hard and it's not exactly like I have a partner to talk me off the cliff when it's all overwhelming. I come home to a cold, empty house, and one thing or another falling apart in it. And when the kids are here it's even worse because the weight of the guilt at how unavailable I am to them, while trying to keep from drowning in this program. Oh my. And I went to visit my grandmother with my mom after class today. My grandma is under 80 pounds, she looks like she's dying (now she looks wan) she could barely open her eyes, yet she keeps on going. It's like she's someone who actually might cheat death. Not really, but it's maddening to witness because her appearance alone can bring you to tears. She is literally dying piece by piece, she's been on hospice for over two years, which must be some kind of record. It's horrific. I think I'm ready to go to bed and just have this day be over. I'll dream about having enough money to shoot stuff in my face and plump the wanness right out of it.