and so it goes

Owen's entered a new developmental stage where I am now capable of disappointing him in a very real, adult way. I'm used to his whining, pouting and occasional tantrums but just recently he's learned how to give me a very grown up sigh, heavy with all the accusations left unsaid. So what precipitated this seminal event? That bracelet that you see, dangling from my rear view mirror. The school my kids go to has the annual hoiday shop full of schlock to try and raise money for the school and I gave each of them money to buy something for each other, themselves, and their dad. But Owen, being Owen, which makes me love him all the more and worry for him daily, well he also had to get me something (there was a reason I left myself off that list) and had to have me open it immediately, no I couldn't wait until Christmas. So I opened the filmy bag and saw the cheaply made bracelet and my heart broke a little, it was so sweet of him and so flipping tacky. And the bracelet remained on the computer table for weeks until Owen asked me if I didn't like his present he got me because he knows I didn't want him to get me a present but he got one that was really cheap just because of that reason. Sometimes I wonder what life would be like if we just went around being completely transparent like that always. I told him I loved the present and that it meant so much to me that he thought of me but that I don't really wear jewelry (which is true). I even make jewelry but don't wear it. Aside from 'fancy' occasions where I might go out to dinner and, (gasp!) wear a skirt, lipstick and possibly a ring and a necklace, the only thing I used to wear consistently was my wedding band, which was the thinnest sliver of gold. But I felt really bad disappointing my seven year old son so I tried it on after he went to bed. It was too large for me so I was wondering how else I could use it - key fob perhaps? Then I thought of the rear view mirror dangly thingy ,which seemed perfect because I could look at it all the time and Owen could also see the present he gave me, we all could appreciate the bracelet in it's base metal glory. But when I pointed it out to Owen before karate the other day he just sighed. I am so used to disappointing adults but not my children, not like that. I asked him what was wrong and he said 'it's fine mom' in a tone that let me know it was not fine at all. And then, to add insult to injury, I asked him to go into karate by himself for twenty minutes because Oona was passed out in her car seat and I wanted to let her sleep for a little bit. So I sat in the car my heart doing a ping pong between Owen's disappointment and Oona's need to sleep (you know the sleeping cerberus in Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone? That's what waking up Oona can be like). But wanting Owen to be okay trumped Oona's nap, so I woke her up and brought her into class only to have to carry her back out two minutes later because she started screaming and writhing all over the place. I reasoned with her in the car and she calmed down enough that we were able to watch the last five minutes of class. It's amazing how that tiny hour of interrelations between my children can be so emotionally and physically draining, I just ready to pass out afterwards. But then it was dinner, baths, story time and bed. By the next morning Owen hopped into the car leaned forward to fondle the bracelet then plopped into his seat smiling, the disappointment of yesterday completely forgotten.