one hundred things about me

1. I’m an only child
2. my first name isn’t Amelia
3. Amelia is my daughter’s middle name
4. my name is akin to radio carbon dating for how old I am because of it’s popularity during a certain time in history
5. I have freckles (i.e. sun damage)
6. my parents are sun worshippers and neither has freckles, I slather on sunscreen and more keep popping out, so I feel like I got the shaft, genetically speaking, with the freckles
7. my parents divorced when I was very young
8. my favorite color is green
9. followed closely by blue
10. and then purplish grey shades
11. I’m left handed
12. I’m a lefty that tilts my paper sideways to write rather than contorting my hand like a crab
13. I could be considered ambidextrous by some since I use my right hand, and right side of my body, to do a lot of things… like I computer mouse with my right hand.
14. I am a child of an alcoholic
15. 90% of the men I’ve dated have been alcoholics
16. or children of alcoholics
17. or both #15 & #16
18. I drank alcohol before my kids were born but now I rarely drink
19. I was bulimic off and on for twelve years
20. I look back on that period in my life as a complete waste of time, energy and money
21. I think having an eating disorder is taking self-hatred to a new low, probably close to feeling like a dung beetle
22. our family hasn’t shopped at Wal-mart for six years
23. this might have something to do with having briefly lived in Portland, OR, watching a Frontline episode on Wal-mart and my husband working for a union
24. I’d love to be fluent in French before I die
25. I’d also love to live somewhere in Europe, probably Belgium, at least for a couple of years
26. my husband is 4 years and 7 months younger than me
27. I sometimes think I would have liked to be a doctor although personality-wise I’m horribly suited for the profession
28. my Mom thinks I’m too sensitive
29. my husband thinks I’m sensitive too, but he phrases it in a way that’s complimentary
30. it doesn’t take a lot to make me cry - films, made for tv movies, Oprah moments, you name it I’m bawling
31. if I’m out at a restaurant where the seafood is fresh I’ll always order the scallops
32. It’s uncanny how similar my Grandma and I are, aside from the fact that she’s 92 ½ and her short term memory is shot
33. I visit my Grandma twice a week
34. my husband is smarter than me
35. but I have a better memory
36. which, I think, makes it a draw between the two of us
37. I’m a perfectionist who really dislikes clutter
38. my husband and son are of the hoarder/packrat variety
39. I love balancing chemical equations
40. I still feel like a 12 year old trapped in a 38 year old body
41. except my flat feet tell me the truth, and then some, every morning
42. I used to love long distance running, my feet and knees put the kibosh on that love affair
43. I was taking science classes towards enrolling in nursing school (thus #39) until Oona was born
44. I have a large scar on my right big toe from the fender of a tricycle slicing it open. I was riding barefoot, apparently not too well either
45. I am not an adventurous orderer at restaurants, I tend to stick to the meal I know I’ll like
46. I have a hard time making friends
47. I’m very judgmental
48. I wish I wasn’t
49. I’m a worrywart
50. if I could channel all my anxiety related energy toward something productive I think I could go far
51. I’m not trying to be arrogant, I just know that I waste a lot of energy worrying
52. if only that energy burned calories
53. my son is very sensitive
54. like me, he is eager to please and earnest and takes things way too personally, ready to fight or bawl if he feels attacked
55. my daughter is somewhat mystifying to me, she has an ease with herself and a power, the girl is fierce, that’s incredible
56. she’s already boy crazy and flirts with men, which is somewhat terrifying
57. God knows where she got that, not from me
58. I’ve never been at ease with myself or my sexuality
59. just writing my sexuality makes me want to laugh, presently I feel about as sexual as an earthworm
60. I don’t know that I believe in God, I consider myself an optimistic agnostic
61. I’m not very confident about my mothering skills
62. I don’t think I’m the most fun Mom
63. I discipline my kids because I want them to behave well
64. I get stressed when I’m with parents who don’t discipline their kids at all
65. I hate confrontation
66. I sometimes seriously contemplate becoming a vegan
67. I like to think that being a vegan would fix everything that is physically and mentally wrong with me
68. I want my children to be safe and respectful to others and to be compassionate and engaged in the World
69. I hope my kids don’t wind up in therapy due to my parenting when they’re older
70. I am not nearly as much fun as I was before I had children
71. I’m not as impulsive either
72. but I hope I’m kinder and more patient
73. my husband and I got married 2 ½ years after the birth of my son
74. and two days before I became quite ill with morning sickness with my daughter
75. I lost 9 pounds in five days
76. and 10 more after that
77. we never had a wedding
78. we talk about having one from time to time, but I’m ambivalent on the whole wedding thing
79. but if we did have a wedding our song would be’ time has told me’ by Nick Drake
80. I’d love to travel the world but I hate to fly
81. I would love to have a book published
82. I'd love to have an art show of photos I took too
83. sometimes I think it would be nice to have a store (I’d call it Nest) where I could sell jewelry, clothes, art and stuff for the home
84. but having waitressed and worked retail I don’t know if I could take the people
85. I tend to catastrophize (therapy speak for quickly seeing the worst possible outcome in any given situation)
86. I love rainy days
87. I curse like a sailor when I drive
88. I used to love driving and now I hate it
89. after three hours in a car I get antsy
90. I hate highways unless they’re relatively empty
91. signs that say ‘heavy truck traffic’ can make me panic about what’s to come
92. my kids see me at my worst in the car
93. I had a miscarriage before my children were born
94. I was not an earth mama who reveled in being pregnant, I was a paranoid mom-to-be with listeria hysteria
95. October is my favorite month
96. my daughter is very independent and wants to do everything on her own
97. my son wants me to do everything for him
98. he still can’t tie his laces
99. I wonder if this means I’ve failed as a parent
100. hopefully not