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Totally wish I could go through life as exuberantly as my daughter does

Right now I'm typing with my belly so swollen and tight as a drum from having gorged on food as a way of stuffing down my myriad work related worries (and I'm off until Friday). I'm adjusting to work and it's getting easier but healthcare in general is a super duper stressful field, why else would there be signs for workplace counseling everywhere. I've gotten some very positive feedback but my mind is one that hones in on problems to fix, mine and system wide ones, which means I spend a great deal of time frustrated with things I think should be better. And then I'm attending to my patients needs, which I am happy to do. I haven't been getting so emotionally overwrought from a patient end because I can say with a clear conscience that I do the best I can for my patients in terms of care. This is when being a nervous, borderline OCD person works to my advantage. I am on top of my patients issues and make sure the doctors are aware of any problems too. I've become more confident talking to doctors (well the residents and fellows, I still fly under the radar with the attendings). But this line of nursing, while being incredibly rewarding, also sucks the marrow out of me, so then I feel bad and want to treat myself, even if it's ultimately detrimental for my health. I see so many overweight people in healthcare and now I truly get why they are overweight or smoke or become addicted to drugs or perhaps some combination of all three. I need to develop healthier coping strategies, and my car needs me to because my car seat looks like I'm incontinent of bowel and bladder with the many stains on the tan upholstered seats. The result of too many, cookies, brownies, or other chocolate treats and spilled caffeinated drinks marring the seat until it is now shamefully soiled, in a way no amount of OxyClean can remove.

So I'm an addict. I readily admit it, I'm a slave to sugar and chocolate. I've worn clothes from size 0 to size 12 and even when I'm my skinniest (at least with the sagacity of middle age I do realize, objectively, that I can get too skinny) I always feel and see myself at my heaviest. The fact that I eat in my car often enough to have destroyed my car upholstery, well it's a behavior overweight people do, shameful, 'closet' eating, although I know I'm not in the closet but metaphorically it's the same, in that it's sort of hidden in plain sight, but no one in the mile and a half drive notices how much I'm consuming. I hope to some day have a healthy relationship with food but I don't think I have since I was twelve. I peaked at twelve. I was cute and really very bright at that time. It was a brief sliver of time when my happiness far outweighed my worries. I spent all summer biking, swimming, playing gin rummy by the community pool, running around. I was on the diving team, eating huge lunches of cheeseburgers, fries and sodas and then having room for ice cream. I didn't think about what I ate or that amount, I just ate for pleasure or when I was hungry. And I physically was in the best shape of my life, my body was insanely fit, there wasn't an ounce of fat on me aside from my miniscule preteen boobs. I wore a string bikini and didn't think twice about it. That time was so idyllic for me but even back then I'd feel the worry nipping at my insides, I try to remember a time when that nipping wasn't there but I can't and that's not due to my memory being poor.

hipsta-love, posing in the sculpture garden on our walk to pirates game

I don't want to be a reactive eater but from the moment I wake up in the morning I'm thinking about food. Should I have coffee or try to wean myself off caffeine? Should I give up wheat and dairy because my eosinophil count is high and an allergist checked me but I have no allergies (really?) so could it be a sign that I'm intolerant of some food group? Should I try a juice fast for a few days and how would I survive said juice fast and work at the same time, it wouldn't be pretty. I'd been doing sprints up a hill in my neighborhood to try and strengthen my knees and hips in hopes of alleviating the back pain I've had for a year now, it's mild but it's always there and do you have any idea how annoying constant pain. It's more annoying than painful but that annoyance, well it's enervating. So I've been doing these sprints and feeling better until I decided to go to lulu lemon and try on the clothes there. Why I did this I can't explain since I really can't afford $82 work out pants and even if I could afford them, well it just seems wrong to buy stuff that pricey unless it makes me look like a goddess. But it didn't. The mirrors in that store were like some cellulite equivalent of a fun house mirror. I saw dimples places I didn't even know you could get cellulite, it was horrifying. I walked out and the sales girl asked if I was getting anything and I'm like hell no, I'm going to the gym that clothing session was thoroughly sobering. She said the lighting is awful there. Hmmm, lighting. 

my insane daughter looking like a muppet at the pirates game

I've gained ten pounds since starting work (3 1/2 months ago) and I know I need some 'get real' moment soon or I'll be heading towards a gastric bypass this time next year. My boobs and face look better fuller, everything else is looking not so good. And I feel awful. I'm so fucking tired. All the time. My vitamin D is low (12) so according to wikipedia (what did I do before wikipedia?) I'm falling into the rickets category or severe deficiency. Maybe this is why my back hurts. I don't know. I've got cod liver oil but I tend to forget to take it because I'm too tired in the morning or at night. The allergist was very serious and involved with me when I went to him, on my PCPs recommendation, because of my elevated eosinophil count (since March it's been twice the norm). But when he did the scratch test on my arms and I didn't react to anything, except the histamine control, which you're supposed to react to, well he couldn't explain why my count would be high, and then became dismissive, suggesting that maybe it meant nothing. 

Can I tell you how much I dislike doctors that become dismissive once they don't have an explanation for an aberrancy? Like they get mad at you that you and your problem won't fit into the expected norm for medicine? And maybe it's a result of starting Blink and reading about the fists or tiny slices that reveal a whole but I need a new Dr because when I'm explaining a problem that I'm dealing with all I feel is that this doctor doesn't want to take the time with me, like I'm the easy patient he can zone out on, or easily dismiss. My problem isn't a 'real' problem because I'm not hypertensive, obese and diabetic at 43. Because I present well and my issues are nonspecific there can't be anything seriously wrong with me, like it's normal to have a severe vitamin deficiency, have your eosinophil twice the norm, be in pain for a year and be exhausted. Sometimes I fucking loathe doctors. But I'm planning on healing myself for now, meaning I'm going to try really hard not to sweat the ten pound weight gain, with the window to weight gain (how I love The Simpsons) foods I've been eating with abandon I should be happy it's only ten pounds I've gained over the past three months. I'm going to exercise in ways I enjoy (aside from core strengthening, which I hate, but have to do for my back) and not solely from a I need to lose weight perspective. I'm going to try and listen to my body and feed it healthy foods, which in all honesty I don't think I've ever done. I've got my work cut out for me but I'm up for a challenge. I can look at it as my full body spring cleaning. I love to clean.

Living life so fully requires a lot of rest, asleep in my bed with her monkey

My daughter has nothing and everything to do with this post. Her personality is such the polar opposite of mine. I hope she never has these issues, that she continues to be so confident in herself. She's a very picky eater now, and she loves her sweets, but I don't think that means she's destined for food and /or body issues. I think many picky eaters grow out of it and are fine. I think food issues have much more to do with self esteem than pickiness.