hope everyone had a lovely holiday

and that you're able to relax and enjoy this time until the new year.

looted

Oona made graham cracker houses in class this past week. I guess graham crackers are a lot easier to manage architecturally with a classroom than gingerbread. Thing is when I picked up Oona the day she made it she looked at me with these very large, very sad, very manipulative eyes and said that kids kept asking her if they could have the candy from her house and she readily obliged. Hmm. Kids. So when I saw her there was one lonely candy cane shingle that she plopped off with her fingers and popped in her mouth. She continued to drag her nail through the frosting remaining on the rooftop, the better to get her sugar fix. By the time we got home the orange jelly ring wreath that hung over a door that was gone long before I picked her up was also in Oona's stomach. So I've got the pilfered remains of her graham cracker house hanging out on top of our bookshelf. I think the only thing that's stopped her from the graham cracker structure is 1. it's hot glue gunned onto a milk carton and 2. it's probably not as sweet, and therefore not nearly as valuable, as the other parts of the house that are now long gone.

pass

I took my NCLEX on Monday. 12/12 and I was supposed to take it at noon but I got there early so they let me start at 11:30 and spoiled my 12 cubed thing. I was shaking when I got there. Literally hands, body shaking. But after being fingerprinted and having my palm scanned. Being told that I'd be videotaped while taking my test and ushered into the testing room I got in my seat in front of the computer, put the earplugs in, took my boots off and sat cross legged in the chair. I went through the tutorial and then started the test in earnest, my heart thundering through my earplugged ears. But the first question was easy, and the one after that and the next. I was focused and doing what I do best (it is so sad that I'm such a good little test taker but I am. On paper, in theory, I excel). I wasn't focusing on how far I was in the test. There were a couple questions I didn't know but I didn't get hung up on them. There were a lot of 'select all that apply' questions, which I hate, because I'm always torn between adding one answer or not. But I was ruthless with myself and got through those. At 72 I started noticing what number question I was on because with NCLEX it's a computer adapted test and you can have anywhere from 75 to 265 questions (and any number in between). The screen just goes blue and your test ends when you have either passed or failed. And you can't find out whether you pass or fail until two business days later. It's a huge mind game. My worry had been how bad will my anxiety kick in after 75 if the test keeps going because you know then that you haven't failed but that you're also not in the successful pass zone yet. What a horrible way to fuck with a person's confidence. But I was feeling really good during the test, after so many weeks depressed and relentlessly studying, things were going well. I clicked my answer to 75 hit next and it went blue. I cannot tell you how happy I felt. I did the test in under an hour's time. I came out into a beautiful sunny day. I felt wonderful.

healthcare is a human right

I'm down to the wire with my last week of studying before NCLEX. Still worried that reason will completely leave me the day of the big test and I'll draw a blank on everything or forget how to read or will be so nervous my blood pressure will put me into the hypertensive crisis range (which would be impressive considering my normal BP is like 80/50 when I wake up in the morning). Anyhow I was taking a study break and drove my recycling to a local place (because they do curbside recycling every other week here but there's one truck that collects everything and tosses it together and somehow I just question whether everything is actually being recycled or if this is some half-assed fabrication to keep Ravenstahl in office). But while driving I was listening to NPR and they had the former Medicare & Medicaid Chief Donald Berwick on discussing Obama's healthcare reform. Now I don't understand why people shake their heads and tsk tsk healthcare reform. I think they're either misinformed, because they get their news from FOX, or they're inhumane. It just doesn't really make sense to me. A friend of mine had to read the bill for work and she said if you're the head of Aetna or some other insurance company I understand you being against the bill but otherwise, no. The bill forces hospitals and doctors to be accountable, rewards preventative care, stops insurers from fucking over those with preexisting conditions by denying them coverage, seniors get more money for medications, young people can remain on their parents insurance until their 26. The only potential problem that I could see is nurses and nursing aids getting screwed because the focus on reducing infections and pressure ulcers in hospitals is wonderful yet there are many non-profit (yet highly profitable hospitals) that will put the burden of achieving that success on the nurses and aids, yet not hire enough nurses and aides to do that (and at the same time admonish those same nurses and aides for not using good body mechanics but not give them the time to be able to do that). But but but, sorry I tend to go off on my soapbox tangents, the thing that made me want to drive my car into a wall, was during this interview they played an excerpt from the Teaparty Republican presidential debate in Florida back in September where Wolf Blitzer posed a hypothetical question to Ron Paul asking what he would do if a healthy 30 year old who opted out of health insurance was gravely injured and fell into a coma, should the people not pay for his care. And he responds 'That's what freedom is all about, taking your own risks.' to which the audience erupts in applause, and Blitzer counters, 'So are you saying society should just let him die?' and at least three members of the crowd shout out yes. There are many things that I read or hear or see on the news at a local, national and global level that make me think things are very end of days lately - not that I'm particularly religious but things are just dire (although if you spend a weekend in NYC you would never know it). And when I hear people say shout out someone should just die because they opt out of health insurance, which I would think would be because they cannot afford it, how can any human being be against someone being treated if they're ill? It isn't humane and therefore I don't think the person against treating the gravely injured person is human. At least I view them as far less than human. I need to make a tee shirt, get a bumpersticker, wear a blinking hat that says 'healthcare is a human right' because it is and I'm more than willing to shout it from the rooftops, hop up and down and fight anyone who thinks otherwise.

nclex study update

Still losing my mind studying for NCLEX. The thing that's really throwing me is that I keep arguing with the study guides and honestly how far am I going to get yelling at a book? But it really chaps my ass when I come across huge typos, like Parkland and modified Parkland formulas being the exact same formula (meaning someone got lazy with the cut and paste). One of my books had 6 comprehensive tests at the end and it was like they completely gave up on the last one. They'd have a question about sickle cell disease but then the answer would relate to cystic fibrosis. Two questions were supposed to contain rhythm strips to look at and they were missing. But the questions I save the most wrath for are the psychiatric nursing questions, which really make me wonder whether the 'clients' that flip out and get placed in seclusion might be the saner people there. Because when I come across a question where a man is suffering from depression and feels like a worthless father and husband and the correct answer IS NOT pointing out that his wife said he's a wonderful father and husband (no no no because that's too logical and therefore ineffective). No the book said the correct answer was to 'state that "you were able to shower and dress without any help this morning," points out a visible, realistic accomplishment and strength to the cient with self-deprecatory statements, thereby helping to increase the client's self-worth.' I would be ready to punch the nurse in the face that offered this gem of therapeutic communication. I can't think of answer more likely to increase my self hatred and push me further along the suicidal ideation path if I was this depressed man. Oh my. Please send out good wishes, cross your fingers, pray to God if you believe that I make it through this test without succumbing to hysterical blindness from the stress and that I pass the first time I take it. Pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease. With questions and answers like that I have my work cut out for me.