rites of passage

We're one step closer to kindergarten in the house. Today poor Owen had to go for his shots, four of them, before starting school next Thursday. He was such a trooper. I had him wrapped in a bear hug while the nurse did two shots in each arm. He didn't let out a yelp. But once it was over the tears just overtook him, the heavy price of all that bravery. The lady at the front desk gave him such a sympathetic look when she saw how upset he was. She asked him about starting school but he wouldn't even respond, and he's normally pretty chatty if anyone pays the least bit of attention to him. But by the time we got to the elevator it was all behind us. I let him and Oona celebrate with a massive dose of chocolate for breakfast. Strawberry milk, chocolate croissants and chocolate chocolate chip cookies at Whole Foods - the other people surrounding us must of have thought me a most indulgent and insane mom. Now we just await an assessment for his kindergarten readiness on Friday. Hopefully by then they'll let me know just who his teacher is, what time he needs to be at school and how much money he needs to buy lunch. I'm between books so I was reading a recent issue of Time about the state of education for gifted students (which is mournful). Here's a link if you want to see how badly we're failing these kids

one hundred things about me

1. I’m an only child
2. my first name isn’t Amelia
3. Amelia is my daughter’s middle name
4. my name is akin to radio carbon dating for how old I am because of it’s popularity during a certain time in history
5. I have freckles (i.e. sun damage)
6. my parents are sun worshippers and neither has freckles, I slather on sunscreen and more keep popping out, so I feel like I got the shaft, genetically speaking, with the freckles
7. my parents divorced when I was very young
8. my favorite color is green
9. followed closely by blue
10. and then purplish grey shades
11. I’m left handed
12. I’m a lefty that tilts my paper sideways to write rather than contorting my hand like a crab
13. I could be considered ambidextrous by some since I use my right hand, and right side of my body, to do a lot of things… like I computer mouse with my right hand.
14. I am a child of an alcoholic
15. 90% of the men I’ve dated have been alcoholics
16. or children of alcoholics
17. or both #15 & #16
18. I drank alcohol before my kids were born but now I rarely drink
19. I was bulimic off and on for twelve years
20. I look back on that period in my life as a complete waste of time, energy and money
21. I think having an eating disorder is taking self-hatred to a new low, probably close to feeling like a dung beetle
22. our family hasn’t shopped at Wal-mart for six years
23. this might have something to do with having briefly lived in Portland, OR, watching a Frontline episode on Wal-mart and my husband working for a union
24. I’d love to be fluent in French before I die
25. I’d also love to live somewhere in Europe, probably Belgium, at least for a couple of years
26. my husband is 4 years and 7 months younger than me
27. I sometimes think I would have liked to be a doctor although personality-wise I’m horribly suited for the profession
28. my Mom thinks I’m too sensitive
29. my husband thinks I’m sensitive too, but he phrases it in a way that’s complimentary
30. it doesn’t take a lot to make me cry - films, made for tv movies, Oprah moments, you name it I’m bawling
31. if I’m out at a restaurant where the seafood is fresh I’ll always order the scallops
32. It’s uncanny how similar my Grandma and I are, aside from the fact that she’s 92 ½ and her short term memory is shot
33. I visit my Grandma twice a week
34. my husband is smarter than me
35. but I have a better memory
36. which, I think, makes it a draw between the two of us
37. I’m a perfectionist who really dislikes clutter
38. my husband and son are of the hoarder/packrat variety
39. I love balancing chemical equations
40. I still feel like a 12 year old trapped in a 38 year old body
41. except my flat feet tell me the truth, and then some, every morning
42. I used to love long distance running, my feet and knees put the kibosh on that love affair
43. I was taking science classes towards enrolling in nursing school (thus #39) until Oona was born
44. I have a large scar on my right big toe from the fender of a tricycle slicing it open. I was riding barefoot, apparently not too well either
45. I am not an adventurous orderer at restaurants, I tend to stick to the meal I know I’ll like
46. I have a hard time making friends
47. I’m very judgmental
48. I wish I wasn’t
49. I’m a worrywart
50. if I could channel all my anxiety related energy toward something productive I think I could go far
51. I’m not trying to be arrogant, I just know that I waste a lot of energy worrying
52. if only that energy burned calories
53. my son is very sensitive
54. like me, he is eager to please and earnest and takes things way too personally, ready to fight or bawl if he feels attacked
55. my daughter is somewhat mystifying to me, she has an ease with herself and a power, the girl is fierce, that’s incredible
56. she’s already boy crazy and flirts with men, which is somewhat terrifying
57. God knows where she got that, not from me
58. I’ve never been at ease with myself or my sexuality
59. just writing my sexuality makes me want to laugh, presently I feel about as sexual as an earthworm
60. I don’t know that I believe in God, I consider myself an optimistic agnostic
61. I’m not very confident about my mothering skills
62. I don’t think I’m the most fun Mom
63. I discipline my kids because I want them to behave well
64. I get stressed when I’m with parents who don’t discipline their kids at all
65. I hate confrontation
66. I sometimes seriously contemplate becoming a vegan
67. I like to think that being a vegan would fix everything that is physically and mentally wrong with me
68. I want my children to be safe and respectful to others and to be compassionate and engaged in the World
69. I hope my kids don’t wind up in therapy due to my parenting when they’re older
70. I am not nearly as much fun as I was before I had children
71. I’m not as impulsive either
72. but I hope I’m kinder and more patient
73. my husband and I got married 2 ½ years after the birth of my son
74. and two days before I became quite ill with morning sickness with my daughter
75. I lost 9 pounds in five days
76. and 10 more after that
77. we never had a wedding
78. we talk about having one from time to time, but I’m ambivalent on the whole wedding thing
79. but if we did have a wedding our song would be’ time has told me’ by Nick Drake
80. I’d love to travel the world but I hate to fly
81. I would love to have a book published
82. I'd love to have an art show of photos I took too
83. sometimes I think it would be nice to have a store (I’d call it Nest) where I could sell jewelry, clothes, art and stuff for the home
84. but having waitressed and worked retail I don’t know if I could take the people
85. I tend to catastrophize (therapy speak for quickly seeing the worst possible outcome in any given situation)
86. I love rainy days
87. I curse like a sailor when I drive
88. I used to love driving and now I hate it
89. after three hours in a car I get antsy
90. I hate highways unless they’re relatively empty
91. signs that say ‘heavy truck traffic’ can make me panic about what’s to come
92. my kids see me at my worst in the car
93. I had a miscarriage before my children were born
94. I was not an earth mama who reveled in being pregnant, I was a paranoid mom-to-be with listeria hysteria
95. October is my favorite month
96. my daughter is very independent and wants to do everything on her own
97. my son wants me to do everything for him
98. he still can’t tie his laces
99. I wonder if this means I’ve failed as a parent
100. hopefully not

sniff

We watched the movie Pefume a couple of weeks ago and it made me long to reread the book, which I loved when I read it oh about fifteen years ago, and move to Grasse where much of the story occurs, although apparently they filmed the movie in Spain so maybe I should move there instead. How I long to live somewhere away from all the awfulness of urban strip malls and all the ubiquitous crap crammed therein. It would be wonderful to live somewhere where my vision of beauty can fill a whole landscape. In a city I feel like I’m always looking at stuff through a macro lens, focusing on singular beauty in an otherwise ho hum scene. I was reading the reviews of Perfume and a number of people panned the film because it failed to capture the novels essence of scent. But I thought the film was good. It’s not like you can have a scratch and sniff film, well maybe if it’s a John Waters film you could, but I thought the director did a great job of making things very visually beautiful (there’s a great opening montage that’s quite visceral) as a sort of substitution for scent. The actors were all great and the fellow playing Grenouille really had his work cut out for him since the character is essentially mute. My God and the girl who played Laura, she had the most beautiful red hair - I have such hair envy, being a person with dishwater blond chicken fluff on my head. Anyhow, I liked the film but it also made me think of one of the things I’ve told Toby I’d love to do if we ever become wealthy. Who knows, we’ve entered the Powerball for Wednesday’s drawing so are chances are probably 1 in 5 billion. I would love to visit Lyn Miller, of Miller Harris, and get a bespoke perfume made. I’ve never even smelled her perfumes but I’m such a sucker for her packaging, the drawings on the bottles are so lovely. Talk about a signature scent, right now my perfume is the Tom’s of Maine calendula deodorant I put on pretty much daily, on those crazy days I’m lucky if I brush my teeth let alone deodorize my pits. But the whole idea of a scent made just for you based on smells you like is enormously appealing to me. When I was pregnant with both my kids I was horribly sick and had a bionic nose for scents, especially unpleasant ones. I still seem to have a heightened sense of smell so it would be nice to splurge on something my nose would enjoy, other than foods that make me fat and the intoxicating scent of my children right before bed time.

tgif

Except when you're a stay at home Mom, there's no reason to celebrate the end of the work week since we seem to always be on duty. Oh, I know there are many days when I feel like I don't get a break, aside from writing here and being an elliptical junkie at the gym, these are my two oases in an otherwise very scattered life. I keep hoping I'll feel less like a mom afflicted with ADD when my kids are in school, that's when I'll do all these creative things - like learn how to make jewelry with precious metal clay, and learn to knit or crochet (maybe both!), refinish furniture, sew, possibly quilt and take more pictures. Still something tells me once Oona enters kindergarten I'll still be every bit as scattered and time deprived as now, although with more wrinkles and grey hair. But I can always dream of a picture perfect future even if it will never be fully realized.

Owen had his last day of dino dig camp. They got to dig up dinosaur eggs which they then cracked open and his contained a tyrannosaurus rex claw 'a real live fossil' as Owen told me. His instructor was wonderful. She played a CD of sci-fi movie music in class one day (I don't know how it's connected to dinosaurs) and Owen informed her that the Star Wars theme song was his 'most favorite music ever' so she made him a copy of the CD. It makes for great car riding with the windows down and Star Wars tunes blasting from the Freestyle. This is how I can get back at the teens driving by our house with music so loud the bass makes our windows vibrate, take that you gansta wannabe.

P.S. As you can see I finally got around to putting up a summer banner, just a month before summer is over. Hopefully I'll find a fall banner in a more timely fashion. It is my favorite season maybe I'll be more inspired. And I wasn't planning on a flower themed banner year, that just seems to be the easiest 'capture the essence of the season' thing to take pictures of with kids in tow.

take a peach

This photo has been doctored. I have to admit it. I was ashamed to put it up showing the moldy spots on the grout, that no amount of toxic cleaner will get rid of. I still have to regout the tub, on the endless list of things to do once the kids are asleep or in colleget. Actually this photo is celebrating Owen and Oona's graduation to taking baths in the official tub or as Owen so sweetly says, 'taking a peach' since the tub is peach. He knows just how to put a delightful spin on the decorating disasters in this house. Can you believe I've been stuffing poor Owen's gangly newly minted five year old body into the eurobath for babies all these years. Never mind that the drain broke off, oh three or so years ago and I've been stoppering the tub with a washcloth ever since. I figured I was conserving water. So now they get to stretch out and enjoy all the fifty year old tub has to offer, and I have to remember to clean it more regulary. I wish there was a nontoxic cleaner that can effectively battle soap scum but I've yet to come across one. Still, they delight in the spaciousness of 'the peach' it's like a pool after the baby tub.

dog days

Toby is just getting back to work today after having spent the first twelve days of August on vacation and I'm once again feeling like I need a vacation from our vacation. We started August off strong with a Darth Vader Star Wars themed birthday for Owen and sixteen of his nearest and dearest friends at a Toy Lending Library. I didn't realize there was no A/C at the place until the day of the party, but fortunately it rained that day so with all the windows open and the fans on full blast no one was sweating profusely, aside from a couple kids playing really hard. I had a steady supply of juice boxes to keep the kids from falling into heat exhaustion territory. Talk about exhausting! At times I felt like I needed a whistle to break up the roughhousing with the boys. Almost everyone was good but there was one troublemaker, who shall remain nameless, that was basically trying to beat the crap out of everyone but would cry saying the other person started it whenever he got caught. Not coming to any future parties. Suffice it to say we're thinking of sticking to family parties for the next few birthday parties Owen has or maybe Owen will only have as many kids as his age (so 6 for next year) that would be a lot more manageable and still enjoyable I think.

We went to Toby's parents last week and Owen got another birthday party (Yoda theme since he'd already done Darth Vader) and even more presents. Now to find space for all the new things he got, ugh all the Walmart cheap plastic crap that falls apart as soon as it's put together and is probably made by children Owen's age making a quarter a week in earnings. Whenever anyone asked what to get him I said clothes, he's outgrown all his 4T stuff and uniforms (he needs to wear navy chinos and a white shirt for school) but then everyone is like 'but I want to get him something he'll like'. I'd rather people buy him an experience then a week at zoo camp, membership to a museum or adopt a polar bear at the zoo, he doesn't need any more stuff. His room already needs a major culling of old, unplayed with toys but the kid has an uncanny memory so this might be hard to do without him deciding what to get rid of and he's a bit of an emotional pack rat so I doubt he'll want to part with anything.

Oona got sick on Owen's birthday, the day of the yoda party at his Grammy & Paw Paw's. Grammy and I went to pick up the cake and last minute things for the party and when we came back Toby told me she had thrown up and felt really warm. I had to wait an hour and a half to take her temperature because the only thermometer Grammy had was an old school mercury one that I couldn't figure out if it was working and they live twenty minutes from town, so you can't just run into town. One Aunt bought a digital ear thermometer (which got returned because those aren't reliable and Oona's pediatrician won't consider temp's from those) and some tylenol for Oona. Another aunt (a nurse) brought a digital rectal thermometer along with plastic covers. I just have to remember to bring all her medical supplies along with me when we go to visit in the future even if she's fine. She ran a high fever for four days but it didn't seem to slow her down a bit although you could tell by her hang dog eyes that she was sick. She acted like her normal, busy self aside from being a bit fussy and sleeping in longer than usual. And there was no need for me to bring clothes for her since she spent the vacation in these pj bottoms. How she could be so unaffected with a temp hovering at 103 is beyond me. I was more affected, worrying that her temp would climb higher with us three hours away from Pittsburgh and it's top ten ranked children's hospital. A day before we left she kept saying 'mommy home'. God knows it's awful being sick away from home.

During all this party/Oona fever madness Toby and I went out for a few hours to go look at antiques. We wound up getting a table for the kitchen, Jenny Lind type head & footboard for Oona and a sled for Christmas decor. I think I went momentarily insane getting all this stuff. The table is great for the kitchen, although I have to seal the legs which are beautifully, authentically crackled but with lead paint. The headboard and footboard will be nice but right now they're painted black so I have to strip and refinish them in my abundant spare time. And the sled is really neat, it will look nice at Christmastime, but I'm sort of decoratively challenged just putting a tree together, I never feel like I decorate for the seasons all that well. And in our neighborhood I don't know that I could place it outside with some pine boughs and holly, it would probably be stolen. We had to drive back the next day to pick the stuff up in Toby's Dad's truck and coming back up a mountain Toby stopped to rearrange everything in the back. It's a good thing he stopped when he did as the truck started smoking from the hood and the clutch went, so we spent close to two hours on the side of the road during a major storm (because you know how lovely, hot and humid with storms that didn't quench the heat last week was) waiting for his Aunt to come pick us up. Oh, and we came home to find out we have no phone service due to the storms in Pittsburgh, it won't be fixed until Saturday! But we had fun all in all. The part of Pennsylvania Toby grew up in is so rural and beautiful. I don't like having to drive so far to get to town but the plus is that there's not a lot of strip mall sprawl that you find in so many other urban/suburban areas. It's truly, peaceful and quiet and beautiful out there. And Oona's better now, although still acting up a bit due to the special treatment she got being sick, now she wants her ass kissed constantly and is acting tyrannical if she doesn't get her way. But she gives great hugs and has the sweetest laugh and girlie voice so it's all worth it. And Owen started dinosaur camp at the Carnegie Museum today so he's enjoying his mornings making trilobite magnets and dimetrodon's with googly eyes.

highly creative or deeply disturbed

You decide. Owen has a very active imagination and social life comprised of his real and imaginary friends. He has a whole slew of imaginary friends that comfort him during the difficult parts of his recently turned, five year old life. When he has to lie down for rest time at school, something he absolutely loathes since he no longer naps, he and Harry Potter play quidditch and it gets him through dark, quiet rest time without getting in trouble. Then there are the kids that live at our house. The boy that lives in his bed who is mean to him at times and squirts him in the face with a water pistol. I’ve told him to tell that boy I don’t want him doing that to Owen. Elise with the long red hair was the girl he talked about last year who would take a bath after him (so she tended to be wet) and liked to listen to us read stories to him at bedtime but she was very sad and would sit down on the sofa and cry at night because no one ever read her stories. He no longer remembers Elise but that imaginary friend had me scared for a while that Owen was like Haley Joe Osment in The Sixth Sense. Jake is a mainstay as far as imaginary friends go and can go everywhere with Owen, some of these kids just stay at the house and others can go outside too. Apparently Owen has started a music class and a science class in his bedroom, he teaches the science class and two ladies who he doesn’t like, because they have silly names, teach music. He has a Spanish nanny that visits him from time to time. And Nick came all the way from California to come out to the in-laws with us this week. He said that he got married to his imaginary friend Sarah and that they had a baby, but they didn’t name the baby and he doesn’t speak that much about the child. Should I call imaginary child services to launch an investigation? He told Toby that he was busy working ‘yeah, you know I have a job’ but couldn’t elaborate on what exactly he does at work (I’m sure many can sympathize with him). He was at summer school for June and part of July, it was more like an extension of his pre-k class, he loved it and learned so much, but when I’d ask him who he played with he’d usually talk about his imaginary friends and not the ones that were actually in class. I don’t know. Maybe if some shrink or psychologist reads this blog, which I doubt, this will scream of major psychological issues, but he doesn’t seem particularly disturbed or withdrawn. And he never pulls out chairs for his imaginary friends or anything else where you would mark space a person (real or imaginary) is taking up. But I do hear him talk to these imaginary friends quite often. He has real friends that he plays with. He can be a bit shy initially but once he warms up to a person or situation just try and stop him. So who knows? Creative or disturbed? I’m gonna say creative because he doesn’t really act all that disturbed.

ikea + yuppie = pottery barn

Let’s just say that I’m less than thrilled at the Pottery Barn living room I now have. It looks beautiful but, oh, the price paid for beauty. My maren rug, while it is beautiful, sheds more in a day than my two cats do in a month. Seriously, I’m vacuuming that rug 3 to 4 times a week to control the shedding. To be fair, the rug doesn’t shed if you don’t walk or lie on it, so I guess if you want to hang it on a wall you should find no problems with it. My sage velvet slipcovered PB basic sofa probably shaved some time off everyone in the family’s life expectancies. Very beautiful green velvet, this was the purchase I was so excited for, to cast aside the floral, horribly stained sofa with wood accents for this, my vision of luxury that I could afford. I was giddy putting the slipcover together and fussing over the cushions to the sofa to make everything just so. But after having the sofa in my living room a couple hours I started to feel really queasy. Alas, whatever sizing is in that velvet material or however the fabric is manufactured that sage velvet gives off enough VOCs to send you spinning. The slipcover took a good two months for the smell to wear off. When the slipcovered armchair arrived a month later I was wary about nauseous period as the smell wore off but fortunately, the canvas slipcover didn’t have a smell like that. The downside was the marks (pen? marker? dirt? poop?) all over the canvas slipcover. It took a half dozen Shout wipes to get the slipcover in presentable condition. The real downside to this whole experience was that whenever there was a problem with an item we received (the first maren rug we got had the binding already coming apart in four places, the velvet slipcover has a problem with the stitching in one corner) the salespeople at the store would give this whole faux servility bit like they were doing me some huge favor to help me out with a product that wasn’t up to snuff to begin with. This all culminated in my worse day in recent history this past Wednesday when I tried to return the replacement velvet slipcover that they had shipped me. Once again, to be fair, I decided that I would rather have a slipcover with messed up stitching on a corner than subjugate myself and the family to another round of VOC intoxication. I went to the store closest to me in order to drop the box off. The sticky part was that I had Oona and Owen with me (when are they not with me?!) so I asked if I could drive to their loading area in back to return the box since I couldn’t carry it and push a stroller and hold Owen’s hand across the street at the same time. The lady looked at me and was like ‘we don’t usually do that I’ll have to talk to a manager.’ So the manager comes and the sales lady gives him my story and says how I want to return the slipcover because it smelled, but she said this like it was the most ridiculous thing she had ever heard. So they’re doing the obsequious passive aggressive dance of giving me a hard time because I don’t have my original receipt but I paid for the whole thing on the Pottery Barn credit card, if they enter my number they can look up my complete buying history with them, along with 1,000 other invasive credit stats probably. Plus it was in the original box it was shipped in, but the manager was acting like I was trying to pull some scam returning a discounted showroom slipcover for full price when I told him outright it was a specially made replacement. Then the manager says I can leave my metered parking space, drop it off in back and then go find a parking space again, which I think is rather insane. Then he’s like ‘We have safety issues but I guess this once…’ and I’m like ‘Forget it. Every part of this order has been a disaster. Forget it.’ Oh I was fuming I was ready to start throwing furniture through the windows and have the kids smash the glass sizzle sticks put right near the register – how impractical if anyone with kids comes in. Okay so maybe I sound overly aggressive, I didn’t actually smash anything, I just left but asked for the manager’s name and he’s like ‘Oh, can I help you with something?’ Aghh!!! Maybe, probably, I expect too much. But if I see a person with two kids in a retail store just trying to drop something off I’d think maybe about being a little bit humane and trying to help them. I know retail can be brutal, having worked retail or as a waitress for years but I wasn’t being mean and I’m not some rich, condescending patron I just wanted to return the smelly slipcover (just opening the box could get you stoned off that toxic fabric). So I went to the car and cried, yelling about the whole incident on the phone to Toby. Just a little fyi aside, I wasn’t driving, I was wallowing in the parking lot since I’m very against cell phones while driving. And the day just got better from there! The nadir must have been when I got so frustrated that I was hitting the dryer with a washed washcloth in order to get rid of my anger. Unfortunately Owen heard me smacking the dryer and got scared, I didn’t realize he could hear me in the basement and felt like an awful, abusive mother. I apologized for scaring him and he later told Toby what I did, Owen’s like my 24/7 hall monitor. When Toby got home that night I went out and got a sandwich and soda that I snuck into the movie theater and after watching the latest Harry Potter movie (Imelda Staunton is brilliant!) I felt much better.