unblock me

I don't have a smart phone, an ipad or anything else that would let me play unblock me at the addictive level I'd like, which would be where every need except those basic physiological ones gets shelved, and even those can be put on hold. There's no moderation for me with unblock me. So it's probably for the best that I lack fancy new gadgets that would let me download this 99 cent version of spatial relations crack. It's such a simple game, just move the yellowish blocks around until you clear a path for the red block to go through the opening on the right, and when that red block passes through there's a little trill of victory music that gives you just the dopamine squirt you need to get hooked. It's like a Pavlovian response for geeks. You can't stop with just one game, or ten. At least I can't.

It's funny though, how much unblock me mirrors my life. Puzzling out how to get through nursing school, then boards, then finding a job. I'd get the dopamine rush of success, I wish I could hear the accompanying music trill when I accomplished these goals, but then I'm faced with another puzzle to get through. I mean I love brainteasers so I guess in some ways I should be glad that this is what life throws my way. But another part of me, the rather sizable middle aged, single mom of two in a very new and stressful job part of me, just wants the path to be easier. It's exhausting trying so hard, all the time. And I feel so fucking alone at times.


So is it any wonder that after 13 hours at work, where I've sat down and relaxed for oh, all of fifteen minutes, my mind is focused on eating something, anything, everything to obliterate the day and then succumb to a food coma until I have to get up at 5:00 and start the day again. I need balance in my life and I've got to puzzle out a way to find some on the days I'm not working, and put little bits and pieces of kindness into my life on the days I am working. At it's worst, floor nursing seems like a career that's focused on subverting your basic physiological needs and that just doesn't seem good to me. Is it good for anyone to do that to themselves?

Can I say that Sunday was a horrible day at work for me. I'd been doing so well. The other nurses have gone out of their way to say just how well I've been doing, which honestly made me feel like they're going over the top with their praise because I find fault in every little misstep I do, I'm so slow and awkward with my skills, and magnify to alarming proportions. But the charge nurse joked 'are you going to be done with orientation in a couple weeks?' because I seem to be picking things up so quickly. To be fair, my patients have all been very easy and my schooling helped enormously in picking up the computer documentation system, even if I find way too many problems with it. But Sunday I had a patient from Hell. I usually can do a good job at not taking things personally. And I had asked for a patient that was more of a challenge, but I wanted one where I could increase my nursing skills (hanging blood, platelets, coordinating lots of different medications) this patient was a psychosocial nightmare and that was not the challenge I was looking for. The patient had nothing good to say about what I did, in fact the patient did an ongoing passive aggressive dialogue whenever I was in there about just how incompetent I was. Any confidence I had in how I was doing was gone by five o'clock Sunday when I left the patient's room after getting vitals. I said nothing the whole time I was in the patient's room and being told of my many failings, but as soon as I left and walked down the hall I wound up bawling. The other nurses were extraordinarily nice, telling me not to take it personally and stressing how hard this floor is to work on, and the charge nurse that day told me she thought I was experienced because I've been doing such a good job. I know they meant well, I just felt horrible, like I couldn't do anything right. It was a day that made me question my deciding to get into the field.

I keep having dreams where my house is a terrible mess, all my time and money spent on something that's falling apart on me. The walls are crumbling, the foundation sagging. In lieu of the nursing nightmares and forgetting my kids somewhere this is my reprieve, a house of usher collapsing under the weight of my worries. I just want something solid that I can count on but more and more I think it's foolish to assume that such a thing exists. And this puts me in a very uncomfortable position, it's similar to where somebody does something that makes you very mad at them, but you're clearly aware that that anger is more self directed because they've done something that you hate in yourself. I don't like being in this space. Well February is almost over with, hopefully the self discontent will abate and I'll feel more in control moving around the blocks in this latest puzzle I'm faced with.