grainy blues

Oh Lordy. I graduated almost two weeks ago and I've already spun into a spiral of depression and anxiety about the uncertain future in front of me. The high of graduation was getting an award for third highest academic achievement, for which I got a check for $150 that I still need to cash. But by the next day I was starting to feel the dark panic nipping at my insides about needing to study for NCLEX. On the night of graduation the president of our class joked 'Who here did their 60 questions today?' and, of course, I was the only one who had. And I continue to do at least 90 questions each day, like I was told. Because I'm very task oriented and good at sticking to rules that way. But every time I score poorly on a test it takes so much out of me. And I'm like, how can I know all this information? I've never even heard of vanillymandelic acid test but am supposed to be able to figure out the foods one should avoid before taking such test. I can't get over how much the test name resembles Milly Vanilly and how many mnemonics can I make and keep straight in my head? Christ. The importance of this test, yes my future, my paycheck, rides on my passing and becoming an RN are not lost on me. Nor is the director of the nursing program having told our class at the graduation luncheon, we've had a 100% pass rate with the last three classes. To my perfectionistic mind, the implicit 'don't fuck things up!' was added and it's all I can do to keep my heart rate below 100 (60-100 being the adult norm). So I've got five different books that I can study from but when I look at the tear out 'cheat sheet' on one that lists common lab values but they don't jive with the lab values I've already committed to memory it just sends my anxiety through the roof (maybe I can blame my profuse hair shedding on that). As does every question I get wrong and can't puzzle the logic out of, like a lot of the psychiatric related questions and yet I've thought of getting involved in that field? Goddamnit. Yes, panic brings sacrilegious profanity to such a high point in me you'd think I suffered from coprolalia. I've got to get down the dirty dozen that will most likely be on my test- anything related to renal issues, diabetes, COPD, cardiac disease, cranial nerves and functions, TURP, hip/knee replacement surgery, sickle cell crisis, Diabetes insipidus vs SIADH, therapeutic levels of digoxin, lithium, aminophylline and theophylline as well as potential interactions with each. And what you want your PT and PPT times to be in relation to the control. That's over a dozen. It seems easy enough when I type it out but with each subject it's real easy to go down the rabbit hole and get lost to the point you can't see the easy answer for what it is. And can I tell you how badly I want to take the baddest, brightest red pen to the study guides and copy edit every extra 'and' or 'an' or 'as well' but I don't because I hope to sell them once I've passed. I have all these free days until I test (I'm still awaiting my 'approval to test' because everything nursing school & NCLEX related seems to be a fucking mind game, I guess this is how they weed out those that will go crazy on difficult patients from those that will handle it -Me, I'll just beat myself up in the privacy of my own home and vent under a pseudonym). But it's not like I can really enjoy this time off because I need a job and health insurance by January and that's all dependent on passing NCLEX. So as much as instructors stress how important this test is yet, in the same breath, say don't lose sight of NCLEX just being a test, well it winds up being a lot more than that for me. I'll be so glad when I've successfully jumped through this hoop and can get a job. Really. I promise to stop my complaining. Okay, truth be told, I'll keep griping about my increasingly painful lower back and hip that are making me feel like my late grandmother, at least until they stop hurting all the time.