rattled

Yes, I've felt a bit like a pinball lately. I fear that if I had some program to highlight the text in my blog and typed in 'panic, worry, fear, guilt' that most of the blog would come back highlighted. I blame that damn mirror for breaking. No, right now I'm going to put the blame squarely on the shoulders of raging pms that makes me mental in a way I always seem to forget the sting of the other 20 or so days. I'm sure that it doesn't help that I've been eating a lot of donuts, hot chocolate and coke. I ate more vegetables today (a yummy antipasti) than I probably have in the past month. But I was late picking up Oona from pre-k today. Really late, like twenty minutes late, which I couldn't really do anything about. I was stuck in the middle of a tunnel, traffic had slowed to a standstill and I couldn't get my cell phone to work, it died on me twenty feet into the tunnel as I was on the phone with a friend trying to get her to pick up Oona early for me. That didn't work out and I showed up to find her teacher and teacher's assistant with the pained smiles of the deeply annoyed. I was close to tears walking in and apologized profusely saying I was stuck in traffic, you know literally stuck in a tunnel. They weren't moved and I walked out with Oona shaking my head to stop myself from crying while Oona asked what was wrong. I'm sure it didn't help matters that I was at least ten minutes late just two days earlier but, once again, I have a good excuse for that in that I saw my neighbor (who has had a number of health issues of late) precariously standing outside the Rite Aid (where I stopped for a pre-gym Coke). She was about to fall over and I helped her to her car and stayed with her until she felt a bit better. I'd like to feel a bit better. I feel like I've fucked up my daughter's future because I asked her teacher about the kindergarten enrollment process, she's born 27 days after the school deadline so it's a bit tricky. Okay her future might not be completely fucked but I don't want her in pre-k three years. She's academically ready and if she waits an extra year I just fear (there's that highlight ready word) she'll try to coast through academically (I know it sounds insane at the kindergarten stage, just bear with me) and might be a bit of a discipline problem because she'll be bored. I'd rather she be challenged, well as challenged as she can be at kindergarten. Her pre-k teacher has been aware of my concerns about getting her into kindergarten ever since she started school. But I wound up being given the wrong information, by her, and missed applying by a month. So yes, after dropping the kids off at school tomorrow, I'll be going to the magnet office tomorrow to hand in my daughter's born after the deadline month late magnet application. Wish me luck! Then I went to the gym and committed a cardinal sin in asking a woman who wasn't pregnant if she was expecting. I felt so horrible. She didn't look overweight at all I just thought I noticed a bump, it must of been the way her shirt was, but then I had to explain myself and I was mortified! My word, how do you take something like that back? I still cringe just thinking about it. And last night I wound up bawling while on the phone with my Mom because I felt so bad that I've been so mean to her lately when she's going through a really difficult time (broke up with the man she was living with, which is really a good thing because he wasn't the right man for her, but it's tough and now she's moving out here, which is wonderful for me but, uh, a bit stressful too because, you know, if it's not one thing it's your mother). She needed me to help her out with finding a place to live and I wasn't at all helpful I was bitchy and mean and I deeply regret it, fortunately she is a wonderfully understanding mother and told me not to even worry about it (in an entirely sincere deeply selfless way). Clearly I need to get my period and become a little more even keeled! Anyhow, I'll leave you with two links to articles that I thought were very funny and humane and struck a chord with me given the year I've had, hopefully you might like them too.

Let's Call the Whole Thing Off (the author is ending her marriage. Isn't it time you did the same?) and On Being a Bad Mother