crimes against humanity

Well, to be fair, it's really more like crimes against parenting or being a mom worthy of punishment although that sounds vaguely S&M in a way I'm not intending it to be. Here are the recent offenses playing the guilt/exasperation ping pong in my head.

1. Gouged oona with a key to her armpit getting her out of the car today. At first it looked awful and I thought of making the trip to MedExpress and trying to explain that I impaled my daughter on my car key, How do you explain that exactly?! But after a ten minutes it just looked like a red scratch instead of the nasty puncture I first saw. Phew. I explained it was an accident as Oona bawled and she repeated that it was an accident, but she said it like I just accidently tossed her onto a bed of nails.

2. A couple weeks ago I made owen cry for putting a toy plane that was made in china in his mouth. He was on the couch avoiding going to bed because lately being on another floor is making him (and therefore Oona) scared. Since I worry this could be to the recent separation I don't want to push too hard fearing I could crush their psyches or bring up abandonment issues. He had the toy in his mouth and I told him not to do that, that if it says made in china it could be lead paint and that can make you dumb if you eat it. Of course I then went on to explain that I'm not trying to be xenophobic and have nothing against the Chinese that it's more a nasty thing businesses do to save money. Yeah I really went there with him. So I'm coming up from putting wash in the dryer and Owen tells me he's sorry and then starts bawling because he stuck the toy back in his mouth without thinking and I'm thinking there I go traumatizing my child again reinforcing a worry that clearly does not need reinforcing with my son who is a neurotic carbon copy of me.

3. Mealtime. If motherhood came with a badge mine would have a red slash through it because I'm horrible when it comes to cooking, making meals. They get a lot of whole wheat peanut butter and jelly (really fruit spread) and eggs and Oona eats greek yougurt and granola like there's no tomorrow. And they drink juice, mostly calcium enriched OJ, but juice it's the empty calories (which Owen needs, Oona not so much). I try to make myself feel better remembering a neighbor's Mom who said she's seen Moms put Mountain Dew in babies bottles.

4. I talk about their body types and now Oona will mimic me and tell Owen he's too skinny and that he needs to eat more and she does this scrunching up her nose with a tone thick of judgement and I cringe wodering if I really sound that bad. Then Owen told Oona she was a hippo, which made her proud and she ran around saying she was as big as a hippo and making hippo? noises. So I've nipped talking about their builds in the bud.