I'm sorry but I'm not one for moderation and once I get into something I tend to get tunnel vision and just focus on that thing for a while, which is why I can never ever play Sudoku because the one time I gave myself fully to that brain teasing experience (5 years ago over Thanksgiving weekend) I was ready to ignore my children and just focus on completing my boxes. I get driven in a borderline pathological way when it comes to sudoku, puzzles, well really anything where I feel I must finish it, the pressure I put on myself on things that don't really matter it's just sort of bizarre.
But anyhow, I am officially registered for my triathlon, which will occur on August 12 at 7:30 am - I'm gonna have a real hard time functioning athletically that early in the morning. My knees, ankles and feet have quickly adjusted to my running. I'm getting better with the swimming too. But my hips are in agony right now. I think it's all connected to my lower back pain, because it will radiate out toward my hips, it's like it rides an angry wave across the top of my ass and then veers sharply and goes down my hip and outer thigh, it is really uncomfortable today. I've taken ibuprofen and it isn't putting a dent in the pain so once I'm done typing this I'm going to slather my ass and thighs in biofreeze and go to bed.
A big adjustment for me with swimming has been learning how to do the flip turn, where you approach the wall and somersault then twist yourself back into position so you can swim yet another lap. Now three weeks ago when I decided to start this training I didn't even know how to do a flip turn, well to be honest I wasn't ready for a flip turn because I was catching my breath after each lap, but you can sort of intuit how it should work. None of reading about it on swimming related websites helped me glean more ideas about it. At first I probably looked like a deranged penguin. I was not graceful by any means, trying to guesstimate when I was close enough to the wall, pacing my breathing (that's the absolute hardest thing for me with respect to swimming) and trying not to get water up my nose. My left big toe still feels funny because I think I jammed it pushing off the wall a week or so ago.
But today I felt my flip turns coming together. I'm able to go back and forth four laps before pausing for a quick breather - I do realize I'm not supposed to pause for breathers in my triathlon so I hope to increase the laps I can do before breaking. I no longer hedge in the water wondering am I close enough to the wall or too close. And the very simple but incredibly rewarding part is when I do it perfectly and my feet push off the wall strongly and I'm not too deep so it's easy to break to the surface. It brings me back to the joy I had about swimming when I was a child. I love how quiet it is underwater and the weightless power I feel darting through the lane before coming up for air.
In totally unrelated news I'm already ready to call it a day with match. I went out to dinner with a very nice man who took me to a very nice restaurant (Umi, my Pittsburgh favorite) and he texted me after the date saying very nice things and how he looked forward to meeting me again. But, this will sound silly perhaps, but the man is conservative. I don't know how I can possibly get along with someone conservative, whose ideology is completely counter to mine. I support gay marriage, the right to choose, universal healthcare, assisting the nation's most vulnerable, not ravaging our natural resources by drilling, fracking or anything else that seems focused on short term gains and fucking our future generations. I know this is an incredibly simple way to look at it but conservatives seem inherently selfish to me, there's that inherent 'hands off it's mine' way of looking at life, or looking the other way when those less fortunate come into view. Like they'll blame them for the choices they made that got them into an unfortunate situation, and yes some people just make stupid choices or fuck up royally and repeatedly. But life isn't a level playing field. Some are born with advantages based on race, class, sex or intelligence. I mean Oona is six and she realizes that some people just don't have it as good or as easy as others and is it really fair to treat them poorly when they can't help being the way they are? Like I said before very simplistic but I don't know, what am I going to say on this second date? How will I broach the minefield that is politics? I get exhausted just thinking of it. Whenever I get a response for match it fatigues me. Not a good sign right?
And I started seeing my previous kind, smart, gentle but very passive fellow again. I don't know. I hate that he can lack confidence and basically be a doormat and let people take advantage of him but I feel like the reason I loathe these qualities in him so much is because I see these qualities in myself and I don't like to look at that. Who the fuck would honestly? So is that really fair? I don't have any expectations, in fact I've been explicit with him on how little I don't expect but that I want to remarry and share my life with someone, so tick tock if he's gonna get his shit together it better be sooner rather than later. But he can make me laugh like nobody else can. And he sees me in this light, well it's like he sees this beautiful, idealized version of me, he imbues all my actions with positivity, he doesn't criticize, he sees a me that I want to be, my best self, if that makes any sense. And I'm sort of like doesn't being in a relationship with someone who brings the best out in you trump everything else?
You still with me? So the picture which has nothing to do with what I wrote above. It's the light hitting my wall. It's like an ephemeral rothko, I love the blurry play of colors with the two weird parallelograms of screen. I wish my iphone had caught just how lovely this temporary play of light was on my bedroom wall. It was heavenly.
2 comments:
What I like about this post is its rhythm. You dive right in, the way you might in a pool. What's nice, is the way you talk about learning to flip. The flow is easy, and deliberate. Perhaps reflecting the focus in place as you learned to turn just before the wall, and push off with grace (as you no doubt now do).
Your man at Umi. Of course he wants to see you again. Of course he said nice things, too. You're beautiful. Smart as a whip, good company, and easy to be with. Oh you've got some deep flaws, but don't we all? You know you're high strung. You also know that you face your fears. The easy rhythm in this post is another way your strength continues to emerge.
Could you date or marry a Conservative? Of course you could. You wouldn't marry their views, you'd marry the person (head and heart). There'd have to be a values alignment between you somewhere. But if you found it, who's to say this guy isn't the driven man--whom you spoke of last time--who doesn't just see an idealized version of you but the real version of you. What if he's the guy for whom the figurative warts are matter-of-factly part of the larger, and richer package that is you? There's only one way to find out.
Whatever you do, don't settle. You're too wonderful a woman.
I like the writing in this post. I can relate to those younger swim team feelings as a preteen at the pool. I am glad the training is going well but the pain it worries me. I think you have had the area x- ray'ed if I remember correctly.
As for the boy situation, I agree with Andy's words and though I have the same liberal views as you I would not write the conservative out unless it crosses the line on certain issues though I admit I don't know if I myself could date him. The other man sounds nice but since you hesitate so do I in my thinking.
Well, summer is upon us. Dive in.
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